Monday, August 2, 2010

A Comfortable Place?

This BFN sucks.

I hate that we are at the end of this road, that the road does not continue for another 9 months.  I hate that all the hope we put into this cycle (and the last), ended with nothing.  I hate that I can't join my SIL, other bloggers, and other "normal" people in the world in the pregnancy/motherhood club.  I hate the thought that Babe and I may never have biological children.  I hate that we don't know what our next steps are.  Me being me, I just want to start planning for the next steps, and jump right in.  It does not help that my 37th birthday is looming, coming up this weekend.

On the other hand, I am in a weird position.  I am glad that I am currently not in TTC mode, though honestly I always am.  It's nice to be in a position to not have to think and worry if this cycle is going to work, or what if it doesn't.  Because I already know it didn't.  It's refreshing to not have to think about what CD I'm in, when the next ovulation window is, etc.  I am finally able to enjoy my sushi, white mochas, alcoholic cocktails (though I rarely drink), soft cheese, dairy, etc without worrying it's going to affect my cycle.

Having been TTC for 6 years, NOT being pregnant seems, though I hate to say it, normal.  It's a familiar feeling.  Dare I say a comfortable place?

Sometimes it feels good, because it's comfortable and familiar.  But it's not a place I want to be in.  It's like an old friend, that just won't go away.

After 6 years, we need a change.  The question is, what kind of change?


  1. I'm so sorry it didn't work but I'm glad to see you're trying to keep your chin up. I dreaded my 36th birthday and bawled my eyes out. It was hard to listen to everyone tell me that I was still young when the gap for having a baby was only getting smaller. Go enjoy all the things you've missed out on while going through this process. I'll be keeping you in my thoughts.

  2. What a trooper you are for mustering up the strength to keep truckin' on for 6 years! I am only halfway there and feel overwhelmed sometimes.

    Take this time for YOU. You deserve it. :)

  3. Oh gosh...honestly, your words, "though honestly, I always am," are so, so familiar...and I've thought them at different times when we were 'relaxing' or were just disappointed beyond belief at the failure of yet another procedure and taking a break. Always that little, "but what if a miracle happens?" in the back of my head.

    Because really, you're right...infertility becomes ingrained in your mind as it becomes such a character trait, and it's hard to shake.

    Praying for you as you look into a change...whatever it may be.

  4. Hi, I just found your blog through Mel's blog roll... I was looking for others who had also had multiple failed IVFs. I'm so sorry you fall into this category, and I'm heart broken with you about your most recent BFN. Thinking of you and I wish you all the best as you figure out your next steps...

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