Baby On Mind

Hello World... Again.

2012-02-02T22:43:00.002-06:00

Hello World.... it's me, again.

Yes, it's ridiculous how long it's been since the last post (October 2011), and the one before that (July 2001). I know, I've been a really bad blogger. I want to thank those of you that commented on my last posting. I'm surprised that there are still people out there reading this.

Since my last posting of being stuck in a huge rut, a couple of things have happened in my life. A couple of pretty major things actually.

First of all, I quit my job! Yup, crazy, but I left my super stressful job. I need to get my life back in order, figure out what's next for me, and just get my mind back. My last day was November 30th, 2011. It was a struggle at first to make a decision to do it, but then I am so glad to be done!

The other big thing..... I went home (back to Asia) for 3 weeks to celebrate Christmas and New Year with my family. While there, my Babe and my family took a side trip and spent 5 days, including Christmas in Bali. It was great fun, and super warm. Great time to take a trip to a warm tropical country during our winter here. It was nice to be able to take a vacation and know that I don't have to worry about coming home to super stressful job.

It has taken me this long to blog again because.....

While I was still at my job, I did not have time to think about what our next step is, though infertility never left my thoughts. And then when I finally decided to leave, I spent the time trying to wrap up everything (not very successfully) before I left the job. After that, I spent the next 2 weeks getting ready for my trip, and doing all the Christmas shopping for family and friends here before we left.
I'm not sure what our next step is. We think it is adoption, but we don't know what kind. We don't think we will do domestic infant adoption (that can be a whole other post), nor are we up for waiting children (special needs). So we are thinking international. But then, we have to decide from which country? So many questions and issues to consider. Then there's embryo adoption. I just don't know and we just can't decide! It's so hard to commit! It's also hard to let go of the dream of having our own biological children too.
I didn't want to update my blog. Honestly, I ~~was~~ am just plain lazy..... I feel like I don't have much to update. I still have a lot of researching and soul searching as far as what kind of adoption we want to do, or if that is even what we really want.

So, here I am...... planning to stick around the blogsphere as Babe and I try to figure out what's next.

Stuck In A Rut!

2011-10-23T18:31:00.000-05:00

I must be the most horrible blogger around. Is anyone still out there reading this blog?

Since my last post, which is when I got my negative beta result in July, nothing has really happened.

I'm stuck in a HUGE RUT!

Babe had not wanted to make any decisions since our negative beta, which was in July. Since then, we have just been working. And right now work really sucks. I have been putting in a lot of hours, some weeks more than others, working evenings and also weekends. You know it's really bad when you start dreaming about work at night, and the first thing you think about when you get up is work! Even on the weekends. And no life, other than work.

I am starting to really dread going to work. There is some much work, and not enough time to do it. I am behind in everything, I am drowning in my work. I know should be grateful for a job, but right now, I really wish I am not working. I am so stressed out, that every night, I want to cry.

I had a mini meltdown last week. We finally briefly talked about what's next. Babe would still like to try having biological kids, so we are currently toying with the idea of donor egg. But that's hard too. It costs so much (about $22K), it also takes time. Just like with adoption, there are so many things to consider with donor eggs.

Whatever we do, it's going to be difficult.... whether we adopt, or do donor eggs. I just want to skip ahead to having the baby and bypass all the difficult things in between!

Life sucks right now.... I just want things to change... but it's not going to happen easily. I'm not sure what the heck I'm doing with my life right now. What's the point of working so hard at a job which I (currently) dread? At first the job was a good distraction for my infertility and a way to pay for treatments. Now, the job is just another thing I dread.

I also think I may be depressed, though I hate to think so.

Beta Result

2011-07-13T23:58:00.001-05:00

Got the call from our RE this afternoon. Our result..... NEGATIVE of course. That is what I expected, so no surprise there.

I was at work when she called, but I had a few minutes to talk with her. I thought I was handling our conversation fine, but she was just being so nice that I couldn't help but start falling apart. She said we had gone through so much already with doing 3 IVF cycles with her. We've been on this journey so long, and we did everything right. I have a good functioning uterus, I ovulate regularly, my body responded well to the IVF meds, etc. But when it comes to egg quality, there just really isn't much that we can do about it.

The RE suggested we consider egg donation. She had suggested we think about it during our conference with her earlier on this cycle too. She wants me to come in and do a conference with her and discuss that option and give me more detailed information. I don't know. I think Babe and I have to make that decision on our own. She also suggested we meet up with her counselor to help us work through our next steps, and if donor egg is an option for us.

You know, I never considered donor egg as an option for us. I always just thought that our kids would either have both of our DNAs, or neither. However, now I think that's not fair to Babe. If it were the other way around, and we had male fertility issues instead of egg quality issue, I'd probably still want my DNA in our children. I think once you've gotten this far in your journey in trying to build your family, you start becoming open to other options. A few years ago, I thought I'd never do IVF. But look at us now.

I'm sorely disappointed that we are not pregnant, but I'm also not devastated. As I was driving home from work today, I realized Babe and I have not been happy in the last few years. Sure we've had some happy moments, and did some really fun stuff like traveling. But we have not been truly happy for a long time. It's hard when something important is missing from your life, and most people around you just don't understand. People are sympathetic, and try to be supportive, but unless you have or are going through infertility, you just don't understand.

We have to view our future differently now. Now that traditional IVF is no longer an option for us, our future is not so "bright" anymore. That same hope is no longer there. But it is a different kind of hope, though I am not sure yet what it is. One thing I do know and still believe in is that God has a plan for us, and that all things work for good, and according to his purpose. We just got to figure out what His plan is.

Beta

2011-07-13T00:54:00.000-05:00

My beta is in 7 hours.... at 8 am.

How am I feeling about it? Honestly, I'm not optimistic.

A couple of nights ago, Babe asked me if I am going to take a HPT (home pregnancy test). Surprisingly, it never even occurred to me to take one. This whole time (OK, it's only been a little over a week since my transfer) I never even thought too much about the beta or considered taking an HPT. I have just been so busy at work. I asked Babe if I should take one, but he didn't know. Neither did I. Still don't.

Well, I just checked my HPT test that has been laying in the back of my linen closet. It expires in December 2011. There's 2 in the box. It's probably going to waste. Since we started fertility treatments a while back, I've only taken a HPT once or twice. Never needed to. My period always came. I think the last time I got my period the morning of my beta, even while on progesterone.

I think my HPT is going to waste. Still can't bring myself to take it. Like Babe said earlier tonight, if we don't take it, we have at least one more night of hope.

Hope. I'm really not that hopeful. Though I am hoping I will be surprised when the nurse or RE calls with the results in the afternoon.

Free from Bedrest

2011-07-07T11:30:00.000-05:00

In about an hour, I will be done with my 48 hours of bedrest after transfer. Though it's been pretty tough to stay laying down most of the time, I'm glad I was able to just slack off, take long naps, sleep late and just lay around watching TV and movies. One movie that I did watch that I really enjoyed was "The Switch" starring Jennifer Aniston and Jason Bateman. Not that I'm a huge fan of Aniston but in the spirit of "having a baby" I thought it would be fun to watch it. And it was a great movie, I really enjoyed it. Of course, not really realistic, but pretty funny and sweet.

In a couple of hours, I will be going back to work. It will be interesting since I've been off work for 5.5 days (Sat - Thurs PM). I was supposed to have my transfer on Monday, was going to "try to work from home" on Wednesday. Since out transfer got postponed to Tuesday, and I had to be on bedrest for 48 hours, I can't go back to work until later this afternoon. It will be interesting. We are so swamped right now, and I am so behind. I was going to try to work from home yesterday and this morning, but decided to screw it. In the bigger picture, it's just work. Who cares. My personal life is much more important right now. I will deal with the consequences of work later.

ONE

2011-07-05T18:28:00.001-05:00

One. That's how many we had to transfer this morning.

When Dr. K (one of our RE's partners) came in and we saw he had a photo of one embryo, we knew we weren't going to have good news. He went over our embryology report with us, and pretty much all the other embryos had stopped growing except for one. It was at a morula stage, which means it was at a day 4 stage (today is day 6), it was not even at a blastocyst stage yet. I asked the doc what our chances are with this one embryo, and he said "not good". I wonder if it will continue to grow.

The transfer went well without incident. I did fairly well of not filling my bladder too full, but yet enough I didn't need a catheter put it. Babe and I were able to view the entire process on the ultrasound monitor. Dr. K pretty much walked us through the whole process. He did a trial transfer first, to make sure there were no issues with access. Pretty neat to be able to see the catheter enter into the uterus via the cervix, release the embryo, and then back out. The embryology tech also checked the catheter under the microscope after to make sure there was nothing left in the catheter after. They took an ultrasound picture of the process, but I'll have to post it later when I get Babe to scan it.

After the procedure, I had to lay on the table for 10 minutes before allowing to get up and use the bathroom. Then I rested in the recovery room for another 30 minutes before we were allowed to go home. On the way home, we stopped by and did some Chinese take-out. Got home, had lunch, and took a nap. I wasn't really planning on napping, but I think the "happy pill" totally relaxed me and made me sleepy. I got up at 5:30 pm, and the day's almost over.

So, that's where we are. Transferred one not-great quality embryo. No twins, nothing to freeze. We didn't get a chance to decide how many we wanted to transfer either.

This is not what we had hoped for considering our numbers - 12 retrieved, 8 matured, 7 fertilized, 5 embryos still going yesterday, and today, only one left. But it is what it is. I'm trying to remain hopeful, but to be honest, it's getting pretty difficult.

Beta is on 7/13.

We are now praying for a miracle.

Here We Go

2011-07-05T10:35:00.000-05:00

No call from the clinic this morning, that means it's a go. It's 10:30 right now, just took my "happy pill" (va.lium). Let the filling of the bladder begin.

Here we go! More with an update later.....

Postponed!

2011-07-04T12:09:00.000-05:00

The clinic called before 8 am this morning to tell us that our transfer has been postponed till tomorrow at 11:30 am.

My embryos are a little slow. It is currently day 5, but they are a the day 4 stage. The clinic wants to wait another day to give the little embabies a chance to grow into blastocysts, which is ideal for implantation. So I'm a little bummed.

The good news is, I still have 5 embryos still in the running. 3 are still growing and compacting (nurse's word), which means they are at the morula stage, right before they become blastocysts, which is when we would want to do the transfer. The other 2 embryos are a little behind, but could possibly catch up.

Also found out that we actually had 7 that fertilized, not 6. One must have fertilized later. Because we have a few embryos to work with, they want to wait till tomorrow to pick the best ones to transfer.

So, we wait some more. Though slow, I'm relieve that we still have a few embryos to work with. Please pray that they will continue to grow in leaps and bounds, and we will be pleasantly surprised tomorrow when we do the transfer.

Where we are right now, day 4 stage: Morula (though we are currently on day 5)

Image from ivf.net

Where we want to be at transfer time, day 5 stage: Blastocyst

Image from ivf.net

Check out this site at ivf.net for more info about embryo development.

Reality Check & Blessings of Technology

2011-07-04T00:02:00.000-05:00

If you have been following my journey from the beginning, you may or may not know that prior to my first 2 IVF cycles done here in MN, I did one cycle of IVF overseas. This happened in 2009 when I was back in my home country for 3 months. There are reasons why I did it there, which I will not go into now. I've always only referred to this cycle as my third, but in reality, it is my third done here, but my fourth in total.

I did some digging today and pulled up my IVF report from that cycle done overseas. During that cycle, I had 12 eggs retrieved, out of these 8 fertilized and cleaved. Out of the 8, only 2 had kept growing till day 5. We transferred both of those, and obviously, I didn't get pregnant with that cycle.

So, even though I am happy at how this cycle has turn out compared to the last 2, with having 6 eggs fertilized, I have to confess that I am worried that I may not have the results I am hoping for. I'm afraid that I may find out at the clinic that I only have one or two that is in a decent enough shape to transfer. Or worse yet, I may get a call at 8 am saying, sorry, but your embryos arrested this morning, and it's a no go.

I know, I shouldn't worry about it, because there is nothing do about it now. It's all out of my hands. Still, I can't help but worry......

Switching gears......

Tonight, my sister and her husband, myself and Babe chatted for a while over Skype. In our families (Babe and I), only my sister and her husband knows in depth about our infertility, as well as the details about how many cycles of IVF we have gone through. We were able to chat over my MacBook, and their iPhone. The best part was when they prayed over us. Over Skype. How cool is that? What a blessing technology can be.

This is it. Transfer day, here we come!

Next Up... Transfer

2011-07-03T17:06:00.000-05:00

We didn't get a call from the clinic yesterday, so that was a relief. Instead the Embrology lab called this morning while we were at our church's 4th of July Freedom Celebration service. Of course, I had the phone on silent when the call came, so the lab left a message.

Our transfer is tomorrow, Monday 4th of July, at 10:45 am. At 9:45 am, I will need to empty my bladder, take my Val.ium tablet, and start drinking water to make sure my bladder is full at transfer. This is really tricky because if you don't have a full enough bladder, they will need to insert a catheter into my bladder to fill it up. Don't want to have to do that! So far in the past, I've had no issues with making sure my bladder is full. It is keeping the bladder full during and after transfer that is the issue. I just remember dying to pee during and after the transfer. After transfer, you have to lay there for a while. That's the hardest part. Then when you are finally allowed to get up, you can barely walk to the bathroom because you have to pee so bad!

Anyway, when the lab left a message, they didn't give me an update on the statuses of the embryos, other than when they looked on Saturday, they were still growing and dividing. They would have called if there were concerns or changes. I should have called this morning, but since it was a weekend, they had a short day, so I decided against it. So, right now I have no idea how many embryos are still growing, or at what stages they are at. The real test will be tomorrow morning, when they look at where the embryos are then. If they embryos are slow, they may wait and do a day 6 transfer, but right now that is unlikely.

We've never had to make a decision on how many to transfer before, and we hope that tomorrow, we will have the change to experience that for the first time.

Please continue to pray for my little embabies (embryo/babies)! Will update tomorrow.

Fertilization Update

2011-07-01T23:34:00.000-05:00

The embryology lab called this afternoon.

Found out that instead of 11 eggs as we originally thought, we actually had 12 eggs retrieved! That's the most we've ever had.

Out of the 12, 8 were mature, and out of that, 6 have fertilized and are now dividing. This again is the most fertilized eggs we've had so far among the 3 cycles. So we are pretty excited.

The eggs were of various quality, and were between 2 - 5 cells each, and that is pretty decent for retrieval +2 days. Sounds like the fertilized eggs are rated at Grade 2, which again is decent. The nurse said that Grade 1 is not that common, and they would be worried of the eggs were at Grade 3.

Again, we are optimistic, but also trying to be realistic. Based our past history, we know that a lot can still go wrong.

Here's how the last couple of cycles went:
Cycle 1: 8 eggs retrieved from one ovary, 6 were mature, only 2 fertilized naturally. Nothing to transfer because the embryos arrested by day 4.
Cycle 2: 7 eggs retrieved from both ovaries, only 3 were mature and ICSI'd, only 2 fertilized. Had a day 3 transfer, instead of a day 5

All in all though, it looks like this cycle is doing better than the others. Because we have 6 fertilized eggs, the plan is still to have a day 5 transfer. The clinic will call again with another update on Sunday. Unless things change, they will call tomorrow (Saturday) morning.

I have to say though that I am pleasantly surprised by how this cycle is turning out so far (touch wood! Hope I didn't jinx it!). I was actually feeling quite discouraged and almost hopeless when I started this cycle. During the last 2 cycles, I was not working, worked out at the gym, ate healthy, took chinese herbs and did acupunture. This time, because I am now working, I have been working long hours, have not gotten enough sleep, have not been eating well, have not worked out in months, and skipped the chinese medicine and acupuncture. Yet things have been going better than before. So, I am praying that this will continue.

I started my tetra.cycline (antibiotics) right after egg retrieval, and have to continue taking that until tomorrow night. Also started my Endo.metrion suppositories this morning. Not fun. Feeling lots of bloating, worse than when on stims, and also kind of constipated. I'll have to continue taking it until my beta.

So, I won't have any updates until Sunday (hopefully, unless things change). So in the mean time, I would appreciate prayers for my eggs/embryos to continue to be grow and be healthy, and make it to transfer. I've never dared to even think this, but please pray for the possibility that we may have extra embryos to freeze too!

Video: Blessings, by Laura Story

2011-06-30T20:03:00.002-05:00

Lately, the local Christian radio station has been constantly playing the song "Blessings", by Laura Story. It's a beautiful song, and the lyrics are even more special. Every time I hear this song, it makes me want to cry, and yet it gives me hope.

What if your blessings come through raindrops
What if your healing come through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know you're near
What if the if the trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise.

It's true. Though I have sometimes questioned my faith due to my circumstances, I'm not sure what my faith would be like if my life had been happy-go-lucky, without any trials or worry. I'm not saying I'm happy to have to go through the pain and heartache of infertility. I just think this has built my faith in ways I never thought possible. I know that God is real, and he is near. I just need to trust Him and believe He has a perfect plan for me.

Could what I'm going through His mercy that I have not recognized? Makes me look at this journey in a different perspective. What about you?

Listen to the song, and read the lyrics. I hope this give you hope too. Then watch the next video where Laura shares the story behind her song.

I like her message: Sometimes God gives us what we need rather than what we want. Sometimes He lets us stay broken in ways we may not feel comfortable or expect. Because, like a broken, shattered vessel, it is then His light can beam through. It's a picture of faith.

Blessings (by Laura Story)
We pray for blessings
We pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
And we cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
All the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
And what if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know the pain reminds this heart
That this is not, this is not our home
It's not our home

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
And what if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if my greatest disappointments
Or the achings of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy
And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are Your mercies in disguise

Egg Retrieval Update

2011-06-29T22:44:00.000-05:00

Egg retrieval went pretty smoothly today. We arrived at the clinic on time at 6:30 am, but sat at the lobby for about 5 minutes before anyone showed up at the reception. We must have been the first patients there. It's weird arriving at the clinic and no one's around, since it is summer and sunny out. It felt much later than it actually was.

We entered IVF Suite (which had a special lock, and you can only enter if you have a special pass), and went through the usual Q&A (health, allergies, last time I drank or ate, etc) with the nurse. When the nurse asked we have any questions, we really had none. This was our third time through this, so we were veterans at this by now.

Steve, the nurse anesthetist came and and talked to us. He is the same guy from the past retrievals we went through. I remember he's a pretty funny guy. I mentioned that the last 2 times we did this, I got sick and threw up the first thing I got home even though I was given Zo.fran for nausea (the same kind pregnant women get). He said he'd try giving me something different this time instead of liquid Ty.lenol for pain after the procedure, though there was no guarantee. Sometimes everything is fine, but the ride home makes you sick. He joked that if he could only figure out how to beat this nausea thing, he would ask the checks be sent to him in the Bahamas!

After that Dr. M, came in. He was the same RE that did my first retrieval last July. I remember liking him last time, and I still do. He's very professional and yet very pleasant. We went over my charts and compared this cycle to the last couple. He said I responded "reasonably well" to my medications. He asked if we had any questions, and again. since this is our third time, we didn't really really have any.

Then I was off the the bathroom the pee one more time before heading to Procedure Room 1, and Babe made his way to the Andrology lab. Once on the table, Steve gave me a warm blanket (probably from a warming oven), and it felt pretty comfy. He looked over my veins while decidin whether to put the IV in my arm or my hand. I joked about how my left arm is my "go to" arm. Though it looked a bit bruised, but it has never let me down yet. He ended up putting it in my arm, since usually it tends to sting more in the hand. Hooray for my arm. I didn't even feel the IV at all. Again, my arm was there for me. I was then ready for my "morning cocktail", as Steve put in. I felt the head rush, and thought boy I'm sure glad I'm laying down. I was out like a lightbulb,

The next thing I remember, I was waking up in the recovery room with my Babe next to me. I remember the nurse giving me some water, and all I wanted to do was roll over and go back to sleep. Dr. M stopped by and told us he had retrieved 11 eggs from both ovaries. That is good news, the most number of eggs we've ever gotten. I remember that I had to keep asking Babe how many we had, thanks to the anesthesia.

Recovery went well. Steve came in later and injected some medication in my IV instead of giving me liquid Ty.lenol like last time. This actually helped as I did not get sick when I got home. The nurse gave me some apple juice and crackers, and the next thing I know, I as changing back to my own clothes and was being pushed out in a wheelchair. I got home, took my tetra.cycline (antibiotics) and went to bed. I spent most of my day in bed, though I got up a couple of times to eat and drink. I am resting comfortably. Surprisingly I have no pain or soreness, for which I am grateful. Tomorrow, I will be working from home, which is perfect timing, as it will be hot and humid, close to 100 degrees outside. I will be hiding indoors.

So 11 eggs retrieved. I am grateful for that. I am trying to stay optimistic, but also realistic. Here's how my last 2 cycles turned out:
Cycle 1: 8 eggs retrieved from one ovary, 6 were mature, only 2 fertilized naturally. Nothing to transfer because the embryos arrested.
Cycle 2: 7 eggs retrieved from both ovaries, only 3 were mature and ICSI'd, only 2 fertilized. Had a day 3 transfer.

So 11 eggs sounds like a great number, but there are just so many other factors involved. So, if you are a praying person, please pray for my eggs to be healthy, will fertilize and will grow into healthy embryos.

I should be getting a call from the clinic on Friday with the status of my eggs/embryos. Will have more updates then.

Quick Update

2011-06-28T23:36:00.001-05:00

Ok, a quick update.

I will be at my clinic in 7 hours. Will be arriving at the clinic at 6:30 am for the procedure set for around 7:30 am. It's now 11:30 pm, so only half an hour left before my fast starts - no food or drinks after midnight.

Please keep my in your prayers that all will go well. Pray for these:

For a safe surgery, that the egg retrieval will go well with no issues or complications
That they can access both my ovaries (the was an issue accessing one of my ovaries in the past), and can retrieve a good number of eggs.
That the eggs retrieved will be healthy and mature (been diagnosed with egg quality issues)
That all the eggs retrieved that are mature will fertilize
That the fertilized eggs will be healthy and will divide and grow into healthy embryos.
That we will have a good number of healthy embryos that can be transfered in 5 days.

I will try to do an update if I feel up to it. Anesthesia normally knocks me out for the entire day.

See you on the other side!

Belated ICLW & A Roller Coaster Ride

2011-06-27T21:53:00.000-05:00

A Very Belated ICLW to everyone!

First off, I'd like to apologize for a non-productive ICLW again. Thanks to those who stopped by from ICLW. It's been another bad month for ICLW. I'm actually surprised I made it to ICLW this month. If you are new to my site, welcome. If you've been here before, thanks for stopping by again.

Our story briefly: Babe (hubby) and I have been TTC for over 7 years. We were first diagnosed with "unexplained infertility" Since then, we done just about everything... clomid, surgeries for polyps, 4 IUIs, and a total of 3 IVFs, with the last one done last July (wow, has it been a year already?).

Based on my last 2 IVFs, my RE determined that we have low egg quality, probably due to age (I am turning 38 in August). However, we have been trying for 7 years, so we wonder if it had always been an egg issue? I guess we'll never know.

Since the last IVF a year ago, we had taken a long break. We thought we were done. Then I started a new job in September, which we found out, now we have fertility coverage again.

So fast forward to June, and now I am in the middle of my IVF cycle. I started my stims on 6/17 and last Thursday, I thought I had to cancel this IVF cycle. At my appointment, the clinic thought I had a lead follicle at 19x16 mm, and numerous other small ones. Because there was only one follicle maturing, and much faster than the others, I was told I may have to cancel the IVF and convert in into and IUI. But I went back on Friday for another ultrasound, and they found out my follicles were growing just fine. Turns out the ultrasound technician (who is new I think, since I've never seen her before) measured the follicle wrong. She must have measured 2 follicles as one.

Anyways, just found out today that I am ready. So I had my 2 Ovi.drel shots today (instead of HCG), and I am set for retrieval for Wednesday. I have to be at the clinic at 6:30 am! I'm excited, but also nervous. To be honest, I'm not feeling optimistic this cycle. Can't imagine how the outcome of this cycle would be any different than previous ones. Anyways we we have to wait and see.

Will keep you posted!

Back In The Game

2011-06-20T23:48:00.000-05:00

I'm back in the game.

It's kind of ridiculous how long it's been since I last blogged. I'm so embarrassed.

Just look at my last post. It was the FEBRUARY ICLW!

Anyway, I just signed up for ICLW tonight, though I don't even know if I made it to the list. I tried to sign of for last month's but it was too late.

There is no excuse for not posting in so long, other than the fact that I have been busy with work. And I mean really busy. But still, I think it is a lame excuse.

Well here is another attempt at getting back to blogging. I need to. I have a lot to share.

Just a quick note....I just started another cycle of IVF.

But I will have for a later post to write about that. Tomorrow maybe.

Welcome February ICLWers

2011-02-21T19:11:00.002-06:00

Hello ICLWers!

I can't believe it's time again for ICLW. I missed the January ICLW. Actually I thought I signed up for it, and then found out it didn't register. I was probably too late.

Anyway, I've been a bad blogger. It's been more than a 2 weeks since my last post. I thought I was doing so good, and then I fell off the bandwagon. Again.

Anyway, if you are now to my site, welcome. If you've been here before, thanks for stopping by again =)

Our story: In a nutshell, Babe (DH) and I have been TTC for over 7 years. Yikes! It's been seven years! We were first diagnosed as having "unexplained infertility", with 4 IUIs and some surgeries thrown in for good measure. We have done a total of 3 IVFs, with the last one just completed in July of last year.

Based on the last 2 IVFs, my RE determined that we have low egg quality issue. Well, after TTC for 7 years and me turning 38 in August, I suppose age is a factor. I wonder if egg quality was an issue 4, 5, or even 6 years ago when we first started trying? I guess we'll never know.

For now, we are "taking a break" from TTC. It's nice to be able to just not think about what cycle day it is, having to avoid alcohol, sushi or soft cheeses, taking prenatal vitamins, etc. I also started a new job in September, which is keeping me really busy. We will probably do another round of IVF in the next few months since with my new job, we get insurance coverage. When I did my IVFs, I was not working. Now I am not looking forward to working and going through the IVF regiment at the same time.

So stick around to see how this all plays out!

Facebook Got Me Again.....

2011-02-03T00:21:00.003-06:00

I saw this tonight on Faceb.ook .....

[Insert name here] is EXPECTING AGAIN!! I know, I know it's pretty crazy isn't it? I really don't want to believe it myself. I wasn't going to put it on here, because it will be obvious soon enough, but thought I needed to make it official. I mean who would have guessed AGAIN!! So now you know, it's official. We are expecting *frigid weather* AGAIN tonight and tomorrow!! **Re-post if you have any sense of humor.!!*
ha ha got ya!!!

When I first read this, I thought "Crap! Not another Faceb.ook pregnancy announcement! " Then I thought what a stupid post!

Yup, Faceb.ook got me again! Not sure whether to be pissed off, or just relieved. I guess I'm relieved.

Thanks, I have a sense of humor ........ but no thanks, I'm not re-posting this.

For those of you not in the Midwest, or have not been up to date in US news, here's what's happening in most of the Midwest of the United States. Check out this video.

Funny Videos: Adoption and Twins

2011-02-01T21:47:00.000-06:00

I found these hilarious videos. They are just dripping with sarcasm! No explanation needed.

Enjoy!

And then there's this.

Featured on Stress Free Infertility

2011-01-31T21:33:00.001-06:00

Wow, I am honored.

I am one of three bloggers featured on Krissi's Stress Free Infertility site today. Go check it out!

Thanks, Krissi!

Insensitive

2011-01-30T00:24:00.002-06:00

Lately, every time I get on Faceb.ook, I see this event invitation staring back at me, mocking me even. I received this invitation a couple months ago.

It's for a baby shower.

Not only is it for a baby shower, it's for a baby shower for a lady that knows that Babe and I are dealing with infertility.

She is the same lady that knew that our IVF did not work.

She is the same Gal #2 that in April, told me I should "just adopt", and how she knows people that have adopted and got pregnant after. I told her off and set her straight about how wrong she was then. You can read about it here.

Oh and did I mention that this will be her 3rd baby? Yes THIRD!! Number 3!!

Wait a minute, I thought people only had baby showers for their first baby. Am I wrong? Do people have baby showers after the first one?

I'm sorry if I'm being critical, but is she doing this just for gifts? I know that times are tough, and she may not be doing well financially, but still.

I understand that she is happy to be pregnant again and want to share her joy with her friends, but I think that it is just inconsiderate and insensitive. Maybe she wants to make sure that I don't feel left out if I found out she is having a baby shower and I am not invited.

But I think she could have been more sensitive. She could have told me in person about the shower and asked if I would like to attend, and then send me the invitation. Instead, I get the invitation on Faceb.ook, along with 40 other people.

Am I just being too sensitive?

I don't plan on going anyway, but have not responded to the invite. Not sure if I even want to get her a gift. I'm not even that close to her.

The other thing is, we are both going to be in the same group in a program a church, so I will be seeing her every week for the next 10 weeks, until she has the baby. I don't even remember when she said her baby is due.

I suppose I could just say no the the invitation, don't give an excuse, and just hope she doesn't ask why.

She should know why, right? Or am I just being presumptuous?

Am I the one being too sensitive?

** Update**
~~~~~~~~~
Thanks to everyone that commented. I have declined the invitation on Faceb.ook, and thankfully it no longer appears when I sign on. I still have not decided if I will get her a gift. Her shower is more than 3 weeks away, so I have time to decide.

Non-IF Related Posts?

2011-01-29T16:11:00.000-06:00

I have been looking back at my previous posts on this blog. I started this blog to journal my TTC journey after we decided that we would pursue IVF (again). Since I am currently not actively going through treatments (soon to start, hopefully), I feel like I don't have much updates to post. I have some that I thought about sharing, but most are just downers, and it will probably just make you (and me) more depressed.

So, I thought about sharing non-IF related posts. What do you think? Would you still care to read this blog if I posted non-IF related items?

Who's Next?

2011-01-28T11:55:00.001-06:00

In the past, I have mentioned that I am part of a support group called Patiently Waiting. It is a Christian support group for Infertility and/or Adoption.

The great thing about a group like this is it is a great place to be around people that are going through, or have gone through the same struggles and be able to share, relate, and vent. We are able to support and encourange one another, and give each other hope. I have met some really nice ladies and have developed great friendships here.

Like it or not, we are all reluctant members of this infertility "club". We are all on a journey to get out of this club. We hope and pray that the someone's IUI or IVF works next. Or that someone gets matched soon. Or someone gets pregnant.

The hard part however, is "WHO'S NEXT"?

What if her IVF/IUI works? Who's going to get pregnant next? Or get matched next? What if it's not me? It's probably not going to be me!

I desperately want my IF friends to get pregnant, or bring their adopted babies home. But yet it hurts when it does happen.

This sounds terrible, but sometimes, I secretly hope things don't work for them. (Yikes! I can't believe I am actually writing this!!) In a way, I hope that we stay the same as we are right now. Because I'm selfish. I'll admit it.

If I don't succeed, I don't want anyone else to either. Because if they succeed, and I don't, that means I have failed. It's hard being a failure for 6 years. It's hard to see others moving on, while I am left behind.

I believe I'm not the only one that feels this way. Please tell me I am not the only one that feels this way?

OK, deep down I really do want things to work out for others. Really.

But why can't it work out for me?

Why can I be next?

37... Much Closer to 40!

2011-01-24T17:45:00.000-06:00

Last night, I realized I had not updated the "A Little About Me" section of my blog. I had to change "I'm 37" from 36.

37.... That's a lot closer to 40 than 30, or 35 for that matter. I had in the past hung on to the fact that 36 is just a tad bit more than 35. But 37? That's a whole other story.

I'm pretty sure I fall under the "advanced maternal age" category.

Sigh......

Left Behind

2011-01-23T23:31:00.001-06:00

I'm feeling left behind. It feels like the rest of the world is moving on, and here I am still in the same old place. Nothing has changed in the baby department.

Last Friday, I became an aunt. Again.

My SIL just gave birth to a baby boy, their second child. This is the same SIL that I found out she was pregnant because my MIL accidently let the cat out of the bag. I'm happy for her, but sad for us. This nephew is the first male baby in Babe's family that will carry on our last name. They beat us to it. Babe's brother is younger than us, married later than us, but had their first AND second child before we even had our first. So here we are..... our 8th niece/nephew on Babe's side of the family. We have 3 on my side.

Then, my good friend in Indiana, just gave birth to a beautiful baby girl. I'm so happy for her. This is her second baby, her first was a boy. They struggled for a few years trying to conceive their first baby. And her second, it was unplanned.

In our infertility support group, a few more people have made progress. One gal who is doing embryo adoption has her home study approved, and has been matched with a family. She will have her embryo transfer in March. Another couple is in the process of being placed with a 7-month of baby girl. Another girl has started her adoption process. A couple more are in the middle, or about to start their IVF cycle. So almost everyone is making some kind of progress.

Now that I am finally slowly stepping back into the blog world, I am also finding that a lot of people have either gotten pregnant, have delivered their babies, or have brought home their adopted babies. It's wonderful news, because that's what we all want.... to be parents. But it's also hard to read sometimes.

I feel like I have been left behind, and can't wait to get back in the bandwagon. But at the same time, I wonder if I really want to, or have what it takes to do it all over again.

I'm sure I will. I do want to. I just have to find strength to pick myself up and just do it!

Hello World!

2011-01-18T22:42:00.001-06:00

Hello World.....

It's me.

I'm back.

Wow, it's been exactly 3 months since my last post. Not much happening on the baby front since then. It's 2011, a new year to look forward to. Hopefully there will be some good news on the baby front this year.

I just checked the stats on my site, and I am surprised to see that there has been between 15 - 20 visits to my blog everyday, even though I have not updated my site for 3 months. Not sure where my visitors are coming from, but if you have been checking on me to see if I have had any updates, thank you.

Thank you for sticking around with me, even though I have not had much to say.

You'll hear from me. I promise.

Now, off to see what updates there are in the TTC world......

An Outsider

2010-10-18T21:44:00.000-05:00

I feel like an outsider.

It's been more than a month since my last post, and I can't believe it.

I'm a bad blogger......

Ok, now that I've gotten that off my chest, I really do need to apologize for being a bad blogger. And a bad blog reader. Like I said, my last post was more then a month ago. I was a total ICLW failure. Lots of people stopped by to say hi during ICLW week, but of course I did not comment nor read any blogs that week. At all.

I feel like a traitor. Now that I started my job (more than a month ago), I have been too busy and tired to read or update my blog. And to be honest, work have kept my mind off of TTC. Except of course those days where AF shows up. Or I read pregnancy announcements on Face.book. Or when we celebrated our niece's first birthday.

But all in all, not thinking about TTC have been good for me, and that's where the feeling like a traitor comes in. I feel like I have abandoned the TTC community, but I have not! I also realize that I really miss reading blogs. And I do miss blogging. But sometimes, it's also frustrating because I don't really have anything TTC related to update.

I'm also worried to that if start reading blogs again, I'll hear about positive pregnancies and baby updates. I'm terrified that I will be jealous. Of course we all hope that those in the TTC community eventually get their dreams of having a baby. Yet, jealousy is always looming at my doorstep.

So, I guess this is just my way of saying "Hi", that I am still around, and that I have not fallen off the face of the earth. I hope that you will still continue to read my infrequent postings.

And that I still have Baby On Mind.

A New Norm?

2010-09-13T23:21:00.000-05:00

I survived my first week of work. Well it was a short week, but still, I made it. It was actually a nice feeling, to be back at work. I have so much to learn, and I have some pretty major projects coming up. I will be very busy starting next week. But I am excited about the projects I will be working on.

This new company is very strict about their security. I can't access my mail on Yahoo or Gmail. I didn't even bother trying to read any blogs. They have a "clean desk" policy. No work related stuff can be left out on your desk after hours, including documents, email, print outs, etc. Not even the org chart. You have to either take your laptop home with you, or lock it up in your cabinet. They do audit walkthroughs. If they find your laptop sitting out at your desk after hours, they confiscate it. Yeah, no messing around.

Needless to say, I have not check any blogs, nor updated mine. I'm still trying to get into a more "normal" bedtime routine. I'm not used to getting up early for work anymore since I stopped working. I'm still working on it! I'm also trying out different times to leave the house in the morning to work around traffic for my commute. So far, it has not been too bad, around 35 - 45 minutes.

Today, I took a quick peek at my medical benefits. Yup, there is a $10,000 lifetime benefit on fertility drugs. I think there is also a $10,000 coverage for fertility treatments too, but I don't remember for sure. At this point, we won't be pursuing any treatments. The earliest, if we decided to do anymore treatments, will be 2011.

So, work is starting be a new norm for me. A good thing, I guess.

Starting New.... Again

2010-09-07T00:05:00.001-05:00

Sorry guys, I've been a really bad blogger.

I don't have any updates on the baby making end.

We've had family in town staying with us. Remember when I mentioned how I accidently found out my SIL who is pregnant again, and how they will probably have a boy this time (their first was a girl), and will probably beat us to passing down Babe's family's last name? Well I was right. When they were in town last week, they announced that they had their ultrasound and found out they are having a boy. And we were the first ones that they told. When their daughter found out (the same time as when she told us), she cried because she had been wanting a baby sister the whole time. Poor kid!

Other than that, I've just been busy trying to get ready for this new job. I've been doing a lot of shopping for clothes. It seems like I need everything since everything I had is either worn out or old. It was fun, but boy the cost of clothes sure add up fast. And I'm still looking at my closet going, what the heck am I going to wear?

In less 8 hours, I will be starting my new job. It has been almost 2 years since I worked! I'm nervous and excited at the same time. I hope I remember how to work!

With starting this job, I will most probably be spending less time updating my blog, and even less time reading other blogs. I hope you continue stick around this "lazy" blog. I'll find out soon what my fertility coverage will be!

New Gig

2010-08-25T16:53:00.000-05:00

I have a new gig. I'm starting a new job the day after Labor Day. Yup, I got the job!

As some of you may recall (it seems like a really long time ago!) I had applied for a job in June. I had to rush to apply for the job because they were looking to hire "ASAP". Then it took them forever to get back to me to schedule the interview. It took over a month between the phone screening interview and the actual in person interview. Then the timing for the interview and my IVF cycle was close. I had my interview on July 14th, and my egg retrieval was on the 16th, and the day-3 transfer on the 19th.

Well, I was finally offered the position last week which I accepted. I had to go through a background check and when that was cleared, I had to take a drug screening test on Monday. Yesterday I was informed that everything was good to go. I start on the day after Labor Day.

I'm excited that I got this position. And I am very grateful. By the time I actually start work, I would have been not working for 19 months. That's a long time. I am thankful that I am able to get a job so quickly, even though I wasn't trying too hard. Actually I take that back. When I was first contacted by a recruiter about this position, I was not too interested because I was still in the IVF/TTC mind set. I wanted to continue to focus on just that. But then when I found out more about this and talked to a friend that works there, I was really interested. I mean I really wanted this job. But at the same time, I was torn because I was worried about what if I get pregnant, which I REALLY want to be. But what if I don't get pregnant, then what?

So I decided that if God opened this door for me, why should I ignore it? I should at least apply for it, and if it is in His will for me to have this job, then I will get it. I guess a job is in His plans right now.

Here's what I will miss when I start this new job.

Being a "bum/lady of leisure" and just focusing on TTC. This is great but in itself can be stressful because that is almost all I think about. And with another 2 failed IVF cycles during my non-employed time, I am looking forward to something other than just TTC
I will miss having the freedom to "do lunch" anytime with friends.
Sleeping in (I'm such a night owl)
Not having to worry about having to work the next day.
Not having to commute to work

What I am not looking forward to

Commuting to work. It will be about a 22 mile drive one-way for me. This will suck especially during the winter months. The one good thing is Babe and I can carpool if we want to. His work is somewhat on my way.
3 weeks of vacation a year. When I left my last job, I had been there 5 years, and I had just increased my vacation days to 4 weeks. I will miss that.
Though I am excited about a new job, a new location, new projects and new people, it is also scary. I had been so used to knowing the people so well, having such great colleagues, I am just hoping and praying that I continue to work with nice people.

What I look forward to with the new job

The extra income! It is nice to know that we will a little more breathing room when it comes to expenses. We will be DINKs (double income no kids) again. Though I'd rather have kids, anytime, hands down.
Being a "contributing" member of society again. Well, not to say that anyone that stays home is not contributing, but for me, I quit my job to work on having a baby. After more than a year of not working and still no baby, it feels like I have been spinning my wheels for a while. That is so frustrating!
Finally being able to shop for (work) clothes again without feeling guilty. I have already done some shopping because I really need some work clothes.
The company I will be working for is a very large and great company to work for. I have been told it is really hard to get in. And they have good benefits. When I start, we will be switching our medical benefits to my insurance instead of Babe's. The best part..... they have fertility coverage! I'm not sure what the exact coverage is, but in the benefits overview I received, they have $10,000 just in fertility drugs! I'm not sure if we will do another round of IVF, but it is good to know that there is an option for that.

So what does it mean for me in the TTC sense? I don't really know yet. All I know is that I going back to work for now. I am not giving up on TTC altogether. Lots, if not most, people do IVFs and work at the same time. With fertility coverage, we have the option to try another round. Or adopt. Or whatever. At least we will have some additional income to pursue whatever comes next.

August ICLW

2010-08-23T23:40:00.000-05:00

Hello ICLWers!

It's already the 3rd day of ICLW and I am still slacking off on writing a post about it. Or commenting. Thanks to all that have already visited here, and have left some comments. I will get on it, I promise!

In a nutshell, Babe (DH) and I have been TTC for over 6 years. We were first diagnosed as having "unexplained infertility" (I hate that word), with 4 IUIs and some surgeries thrown in for good measure. We have done a total of 3 IVFs (one done overseas), with the last one just completed in July. I got my period the night before my beta. That really sucked.

Based on the last 2 IVFs, it was determined that we have egg quality issue. Well, after TTC for 6 years and me just turning 37 in August, I suppose age is a factor. Was egg quality an issue 3, 4 or 5 years ago when we first started trying? I guess we'll never know.

For now, we are "taking a break" from TTC. It's nice to be able to just not think about what cycle day it is, having to avoid alcohol, sushi or soft cheeses, taking prenatal vitamins, etc. At least until we decide what's next.

So, that's me in a nutshell. Looking forward to reading your stories.

Mini Vacation

2010-08-19T19:12:00.000-05:00

Last weekend, Babe and I took a last minute "mini vacation" to Ely, MN, about a 4-hour drive from St. Paul. Ely is a small town, but has a few interesting sites to visit.

Our first stop was the International Wolf Center. I have always wanted to visit, so this was a real treat for me. The center has a museum and a large viewing area of the wolves. There were 4 wolves in the main area for viewing, but there were 2 others there were retired and in a separate enclosure. We also got to see the "What's for Dinner" program, where we were able to watch the wolves feed. The center only feed the wolves once a week because that's usually how often a wolf eats in the wild.

A few very interesting things I learned about the wolf:

The wolves at the center had been "fixed". This is due to the limited space the center has and are not able to accommodate wolf pups. Also, fixed wolves show less aggression and makes them easier to handle. They also do not want to to mix the different species of wolves. Kind of sad in my mind, they're infertile and not by choice. I guess no one is infertile by choice.
Wolves only eat about once a week in the wild. But they can eat up to 20%-25% of their body weight. So if you weigh 100 lbs., you would eat about 80 quarter pounders at one time!
At the center, out of the 4 wolves, one was female. So by default, she was the alpha female. However, at this time during the summer, surprisingly there was no alpha male. The 3 males were in the process of feeling each other out, but not yet fighting to be the alpha male. The wolves don't determine the alpha male during the summer because it takes too much effort to fight, and generates too much heat. They wait until it gets cooler to do so.
Wolves do not kill their food. They attack them, take them down, and eat them while they are still alive. Most of the prey die from shock. Shocking, yes?
Wolves eat every part of their prey - bones, skin, fur, etc. The fur helps protect the wolves' digestive system from bone shards. Wolves eat every part of their prey except the stomach. Why? Because the wolf's digestive system cannot handle vegetation, which is what their prey eats. So they skip the stomach.
Wolves hunt in packs, and also sometimes cooperate with other animals. Wolves have been known to work with ravens when hunting. Ravens would circle above flocks of prey indicating to the wolves where there is food, and when the wolves are done eating, they would leave some leftovers for the ravens.

I am fascinated by the wolves. I'm not really sure what it is, but I think they are beautiful creatures. Here are a few pictures I took. There is also some webcams you can view on their website.

Laying on the greeting rock

Wolves playing

Watching us watch him

This one came right up to the front of the display windows

Feeding time: The 3 in front feasting on a deer, the one in the back eating a beaver

The next day, we visited the Soud.an Underground Mines in Tower, MN. We wore hard hats and went half a mile down to the mines in a caged elevator. We then took the rail car deeper across to the mines. It was interesting to see how iron was mined before the mine was closed down in the 60's. The guide actually turned off all the lights in the mine for a short time to demonstrate how dark it really got down there. We literally could not see our hands in front of our faces, it was that dark!

The mine shaft where we took the elevator down to the mines

Arriving about half a mile down from the surface.

Our tour guide with part of our group

We also spent a little time shopping in town. I found this sign at a little tourist shop.

It's a bear trap!

The Forgotten

2010-08-17T01:18:00.003-05:00

I was on Faceb.ook tonight and saw this on my 10-year-old nephew's status:

"sadly, has no cousins..... :-( "

Sometimes I forget that we (Babe & I) are not the only ones affected by our infertility.

On my side of the family, there are the three of us siblings: My sister, my brother and I. My sister has 3 kids (13, 10 and 6). My brother is not married, and has no kids. Me... well, you know the story.

My BIL (sister's hubby) has one sister. She also is not married, and has no kids.

So that means not only do my nieces and nephew have no cousins, my sis and BIL have no nieces or nephews either.

My mom and dad have grandkids.

My brother has nieces and a nephew.

Babe and I have no kids (we're trying!!)

But my sis, BIL, and their family are affected by our infertility too. I've never really put too much thought into this, but we forget that they do suffer a kind of loss too. No wonder they are our biggest supporters!

Thanks, Sis and BIL!! We love you and miss you guys!

A Letter to Family and Friends

2010-08-11T15:14:00.000-05:00

I found this letter on a few of my blogger friends' websites. I'd like to share this with you too. I can relate to almost all that was written. Hopefully it can help you understand me and others that have to travel the difficult road of infertility a little better.

A letter, by Jody Earle.

Dear Family and Friends,

I want to share my feelings about infertility with you, because I want you to understand my struggle. I know that understanding infertility is difficult; there are times when it seems even I don't understand. This struggle has provoked intense and unfamiliar feelings in me and I fear that my reactions to these feelings might be misunderstood. I hope my ability to cope and your ability to understand will improve as I share my feelings with you. I want you to understand.

You may describe me this way: obsessed, moody, helpless, depressed, envious, too serious, obnoxious, aggressive, antagonistic, and cynical. These aren't very admirable traits; no wonder your understanding of my infertility is difficult. I prefer to describe me this way: confused, rushed and impatient, afraid, isolated and alone, guilty and ashamed, angry, sad and hopeless, and unsettled.

My infertility makes me feel confused. I always assumed I was fertile. I've spent years avoiding pregnancy and now it seems ironic that I can't conceive. I hope this will be a brief difficulty with a simple solution such as poor timing. I feel confused about whether I want to be pregnant or whether I want to be a parent. Surely if I try harder, try longer, try better and smarter, I will have a baby.

My infertility makes me feel rushed and impatient. I learned of my infertility only after I'd been trying to become pregnant for some time. My life-plan suddenly is behind schedule. I waited to become a parent and now I must wait again. I wait for medical appointments, wait for tests, wait for treatments, wait for other treatments, wait for my period not to come, wait for my partner not to be out of town and wait for pregnancy. At best, I have only twelve opportunities each year. How old will I be when I finish having my family?

My infertility makes me feel afraid. Infertility is full of unknowns, and I'm frightened because I need some definite answers. How long will this last? What if I'm never a parent? What humiliation must I endure? What pain must I suffer? Why do drugs I take to help me, make me feel worse? Why can't my body do the things that my mind wants it to do? Why do I hurt so much? I'm afraid of my feelings, afraid of my undependable body and afraid of my future.

My infertility makes me feel isolated and alone. Reminders of babies are everywhere. I must be the only one enduring this invisible curse. I stay away from others, because everything makes me hurt. No one knows how horrible is my pain. Even though I'm usually a clear thinker, I find myself being lured by superstitions and promises. I think I'm losing perspective. I feel so alone and I wonder if I'll survive this.

My infertility makes me feel guilty and ashamed. Frequently I forget that infertility is a medical problem and should be treated as one. Infertility destroys my self esteem and I feel like a failure. Why am I being punished? What did I do to deserve this? Am I not worthy of a baby? Am I not a good sexual partner? Will my partner want to remain with me? Is this the end of my family lineage? Will my family be ashamed of me? It is easy to lose self-confidence and to feel ashamed.

My infertility makes me feel angry. Everything makes me angry, and I know much of my anger is misdirected. I'm angry at my body because it has betrayed me even though I've always taken care of it. I'm angry at my partner because we can't seem to feel the same about infertility at the same time. I want and need an advocate to help me. I'm angry at my family because they've always sheltered and protected me from terrible pain. My younger sibling is pregnant; my mother wants a family reunion to show off her grandchildren and my grandparents want to pass down family heirlooms. I'm angry at my medical caregivers, because it seems that they control my future. They humiliate me, inflict pain on me, pry into my privacy, patronize me, and sometimes forget who I am. How can I impress on them how important parenting is to me? I'm angry at my expenses; infertility treatment is extremely expensive. My financial resources may determine my family size. My insurance company isn't cooperative, and I must make so many sacrifices to pay the medical bills. I can't miss any more work, or I'll lose my job. I can't go to a specialist, because it means more travel time, more missed work, and greater expenses. Finally, I'm angry at everyone else. Everyone has opinions about my inability to become a parent. Everyone has easy solutions. Everyone seems to know too little and say too much.

My infertility makes me feel sad and hopeless. Infertility feels like I've lost my future, and no one knows of my sadness. I feel hopeless; infertility robs me of my energy. I've never cried so much nor so easily. I'm sad that my infertility places my marriage under so much strain. I'm sad that my infertility requires me to be so self-centered. I'm sad that I've ignored many friendships because this struggle hurts so much and demands so much energy. Friends with children prefer the company of other families with children. I'm surrounded by babies, pregnant women, playgrounds, baby showers, birth stories, kids' movies, birthday parties and much more. I feel so sad and hopeless. My infertility makes me feel unsettled. My life is on hold. Making decisions about my immediate and my long-term future seems impossible. I can't decide about education, career, purchasing a home, pursuing a hobby, getting a pet, vacations, business trips and houseguests. The more I struggle with my infertility, the less control I have. This struggle has no timetable; the treatments have no guarantees. The only sure things are that I need to be near my partner at fertile times and near my doctor at treatment times. Should I pursue adoption? Should I take expensive drugs? Should I pursue more specialized and costly medical intervention? It feels unsettling to have no clear, easy answers or guarantees.

Occasionally I feel my panic subside. I'm learning some helpful ways to cope; I'm now convinced I'm not crazy, and I believe I'll survive. I'm learning to listen to my body and to be assertive, not aggressive, about my needs. I'm realizing that good medical care and good emotional care are not necessarily found in the same place. I'm trying to be more than an infertile person gaining enthusiasm, joyfulness, and zest for life.

You can help me. I know you care about me and I know my infertility affects our relationship. My sadness causes you sadness; what hurts me, hurts you, too. I believe we can help each other through this sadness. Individually we both seem quite powerless, but together we can be stronger. Maybe some of these hints will help us to better understand infertility.

I need you to be a listener. Talking about my struggle helps me to make decisions. Let me know you are available for me. It's difficult for me to expose my private thoughts if you are rushed or have a deadline for the end of our conversation. Please don't tell me of all the worse things that have happened to others or how easily someone else's infertility was solved. Every case is individual. Please don't just give advice; instead, guide me with your questions. Assure me that you respect my confidences, and then be certain that you deserve my trust. While listening try to maintain an open mind. I need you to be supportive. Understand that my decisions aren't made casually,I've agonized over them. Remind me that you respect these decisions even if you disagree with them, because you know they are made carefully. Don't ask me, "Are you sure?" Repeatedly remind me that you love me no matter what. I need to hear it so badly. Let me know you understand that this is very hard work. Help me realize that I may need additional support from professional caregivers and appropriate organizations. Perhaps you can suggest resources. You might also need support for yourself, and I fear I'm unable to provide it for you; please don't expect me to do so. Help me to keep sight of my goal.

I need you to be comfortable with me, and then I also will feel more comfortable. Talking about infertility sometimes feels awkward. Are you worried you might say the wrong thing? Share those feelings with me. Ask me if I want to talk. Sometimes I will want to, and sometimes I won't, but it will remind me that you care.

I need you to be sensitive. Although I may joke about infertility to help myself cope, it doesn't seem as funny when others joke about it. Please don't tease me with remarks like, "You don't seem to know how to do it." Don't trivialize my struggle by saying, "I'd be glad to give you one of my kids." It's no comfort to hear empty reassurances like, "You'll be a parent by this time next year." Don't minimize my feelings with, "You shouldn't be so unhappy." For now, don't push me into uncomfortable situations like baby showers or family reunions. I already feel sad and guilty; please don't also make me feel guilty for disappointing you.

I need you to be honest with me. Let me know that you may need time to adjust to some of my decisions. I also needed adjustment time. If there are things you don't understand, say so. Please be gentle when you guide me to be realistic about things I can't change such as my age, some medical conditions, financial resources, and employment obligations. Don't hide information about others' pregnancies from me. Although such news makes me feel very sad, it feels worse when you leave me out.

I need you to be informed. Your advice and suggestions are only frustrating to me me if they aren't based on fact. Be well informed so you can educate others when they make remarks based on myths. Don't let anyone tell you that my infertility will be cured if I relax and adopt. Don't tell me this is God's will. Don't ask me to justify my need to parent. Don't criticize my course of action or my choice of physician even though I may do that myself. Reassure yourself that I am also searching for plenty of information which helps me make more knowledgeable decisions about my options.

I need you to be patient. Remember that working through infertility is a process. It takes time. There are no guarantees, no package deals, no complete kits, no one right answer, and no "quickie" choices. My needs change; my choices change. Yesterday I demanded privacy, but today I need you for strength. You have many feelings about infertility, and I do too. Please allow me to have anger, joy, sadness, and hope. Don't minimize or evaluate my feelings. Just allow me to have them, and give me time.

I need you to be strengthening by boosting my self esteem. My sense of worthlessness hampers my ability to take charge. My personal privacy has repeatedly been invaded. I've been subjected to postcoital exams, semen collection in waiting room bathrooms, and tests in rooms next to labor rooms. Enjoyable experiences with you such as a lunch date, a shopping trip, or a visit to a museum help me feel normal.

Encourage me to maintain my sense of humor; guide me to find joys. Celebrate with me my successes, even ones as small as making it through a medical appointment without crying. Remind me that I am more than an infertile person. Help me by sharing your strength.

Eventually I will be beyond the struggle of infertility. I know my infertility will never completely go away because it will change my life. I won't be able to return to the person I was before infertility, but I also will no longer be controlled by this struggle. I will leave the struggle behind me, and from that I will have improved my skills for empathy, patience, resilience, forgiveness, decision-making and self-assessment. I feel grateful that you are trying to ease my journey through this infertility struggle by giving me your understanding.

Jody Earle

(Article found here)

Post-Birthday Post

2010-08-09T23:54:00.001-05:00

So yesterday, Sunday, was my 37th birthday. Yes, 37th.

Originally I was going to write a "woe-is-me-I-am-37-and-too-old-to-have-a-baby-and-I-don't-want-to-celebrate" post, but I was too lazy to write anything, and I guess the urge to do that has past. So no woe-is-me birthday post I guess.

My birthday day was pretty uneventful. The church conference all day Wednesday through Saturday pretty much pooped me out. But I had a great time, and was pretty encouraged from it. Babe and I slept in on Sunday and went to the later church service. Then I was craving Chinese food, so we went to one of our favorite Chinese restaurants. We came home, took a nap, and later went out and cashed in on my free birthday coffee from Caribou Coffee. We skipped dinner and instead, went and bought ourselves a small strawberry shortcake for my birthday "cake". We ended my day with a chick flick - we watched "The Ugly Truth" at home.

All in all, it was a nice, lazy, relaxing birthday. I got multiple phone calls from my family, calling me up from Asia. It was fun having my nieces and nephew sing me a birthday song. Actually we woke me up in the morning! I also spoke to my mom and dad, and my brother. It was a pretty uneventful day, and one that I am grateful for. I wasn't in that much of a mood to celebrate anyway. But still it was nice.

So yes, I am 37. I used to think I was still in my mid thirties, just a tad bit over the dreaded 35 where fertility starts declining. Well, there's no denying it now. I'm much more closer to 40 than 30, or even 35. But that's life. And that's my life.

It's all attitude isn't it? It's deciding WHAT I'm going to do with my life, and HOW I'm doing to live it that matters now.

Yeah.... if only I'm as positive and I'd like to be.

Oh, and yes, I am still planning on a 200th post / 100th follower/ birthday giveaway. I still have to decide what to give away. I'll keep you posted!

Still, by Hillsongs

2010-08-05T17:11:00.001-05:00

This weekend, I am attending the Holy Spirit Conference, an annual conference on the Holy Spirit organized by the Lutheran Renewal. It runs all day (starting last night) with main sessions and workshops, and runs through Saturday night. If you are interested in this, you can actually watch the main sessions live here. (click on "for conference details" to view detailed info on speakers and times).

During our praise and worship session this morning (which by the way is AWESOME!), we sang the song "Still" by Hillsongs. That song has always had a special place in my heart, especially during my TTC journey. But this morning, when we sang this, I was especially touched by it. I couldn't help but sing it with tears running down my face.

It is another reminder to myself....... "I will be still and know you are God."

Here are the lyrics to the song.

Still

Hide me now
Under your wings
Cover me
within your mighty hand

When the oceans rise and thunders roar
I will soar with you above the storm
Father you are king over the flood
I will be still and know you are God

Find rest my soul
In Christ alone
Know his power
In quietness and trust

Envy, Also Known As the "Why Not Me?" Post

2010-08-05T00:31:00.004-05:00

Envy.

It's a sneaky little monster that sneaks up on you when you are least expecting it. Even when you know it's there, it still surprises you when it shows it face.

(Image from here)

It's been almost a week since my BFN, and this sneaky little bugger has been popping up a lot.

I have been finding at least a few bloggers that have received wonderful news that they got a BFP. That is great news for them, but why not me?

Reading some of your once-TTC-but-now-pregnant blogs has been difficult. Seeing pictures of beautiful baby bellies, ultrasound pictures, hearing heartbeats, rising beta numbers, nursery pictures. All wonderful things, things that I had hoped that I would be experiencing soon. But not so. Why not me?

Even reading posts about people currently going through IVF has not been easy. Why are some people able to produce good number of eggs, eggs that fertilize, continue to grow into beautiful blastocysts and able to transfer good looking embryos? Some even have extra embryos to freeze. But no, not me.

Two nights ago, a good friend of mine, a high school friend, had to break the news to me that she is pregnant. Somehow, I knew that was coming. And to be very honest, I am very happy for her. Like REALLY happy for her.

She had endured infertility for a few years, and had a miscarriage once too. She was really in the depths of depression and could not afford fertility treatments. But after lots of praying and trying, she was able to conceive naturally. Her son is now 1 1/2 years old. This time, her pregnancy was unplanned. She was really hoping that I would be pregnant from this last IVF, so we could be pregnant together. She held off on telling me until she found out it didn't work. She was so sad for me, and was afraid to tell me that she is pregnant. She was afraid it would hurt my feelings.

That is one of the sad thing about us infertiles. At least in my experience, I want people to be sensitive to my infertility, but yet, I don't want people to treat me any differently. I don't want people to be walking on egg shells around me all the time. I want my friend to be able to share her good news with me without feeling guilty or afraid of hurting my feelings. But yet, I expect people to be sensitive with news like that around me. Makes me feel like someone with schizophrenia! It saddens me that my friends have to be so careful around me.

Anyway, I am really happy for my friend that she is pregnant. I'm not saying it is easy for me, but it really is good news.

At first when I was writing this post, I couldn't decide whether what I am feeling is envy or is it jealousy. So I looked up the dictionary (Oxford American dictionary).

Envy: a feeling of discontent or resentful longing aroused by someone else's possessions, qualities or luck.

Jealous: feeling or showing of envy of someone or their achievements and advantages

Envious implies wanting something that belongs to another, and to which one has no particular right or claim.

Jealous may refer to a strong feeling of envy.

I think Envy is more in line with what I am feeling - wanting something that belongs to another, one that I have no right or claim to. But jealousy would probably apply too.

"Waiting" Video, by John Waller

2010-08-03T23:18:00.002-05:00

First of all, thank you to those who commented on my "Waiting" post.

We all know how hard waiting is, whether it's waiting for a much wanted pregnancy, a baby, a husband, a job or whatever else we may be desiring. When I posted the verses, "I am still confident of this: I will see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living. Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD", I hope you know that I am not that strong or confident or patient. I can only try and hope, and pray to be.

Already I do not feel that strong nor confident. Already I am impatient. I am ready to give up on waiting.

But I will continue to hold on to the verse. It helps to remind myself where I need to be, and not where I am right now.

A couple of people commented on my post about the song "Waiting" by John Waller. It's funny because I have heard the song many times on our local Christian station, and in fact, thought about the song and the words right after I posted. So since more than one person mentioned the song, I am sharing this with you. I actually found a special version dedicated to all couples waiting for that precious gift of life.

I can only pray that I will be hopeful, bold, confident and faithful while I wait.

While I'm Waiting
I'm waiting
I'm waiting on You, Lord
And I am hopeful
I'm waiting on You, Lord
Though it is painful
But patiently, I will wait

I will move ahead, bold and confident
Taking every step in obedience
While I'm waiting
I will serve You
While I'm waiting
I will worship
While I'm waiting
I will not faint
I'll be running the race
Even while I wait

I'm waiting
I'm waiting on You, Lord
And I am peaceful
I'm waiting on You, Lord
Though it's not easy
But faithfully, I will wait
Yes, I will wait
I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting
I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting
I will serve you while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting on You, Lord

I Did It

2010-08-03T15:48:00.001-05:00

I did it, something I didn't do because I didn't want to "jinx" it. Well, it didn't matter. Last night, I calculated my could-have-been due dates.

If Icsi or Dicsi had stuck around, I would have been due with a singleton on April 8th, 2011.

If Icis and Dicsi had stuck around, I would have been due with twins on March 17, 2011.

I'm not really sure why I'm looking at due dates now. Curiosity I guess.

If you are interested in IVF pregnancy due date calculators, check out this site.

Waiting

2010-08-03T00:12:00.002-05:00

I am not sure what God's plan is for me in my life. But I know that He has one, and it is good, a plan to prosper me, and not do me harm. A plan for hope and a future (from Jeremiah 29:11).

I have been, and am still holding on to this promise. It's not easy because I don't know what it is, and I want to know. For now, I know that my plan is not the same as His, and that sucks. But, I have to trust that He knows what He's doing. Only He knows what he has planned for me.

When I was putting together the bible verses booklet for Jack and Ellie, I gave them this bible passage to encourage them. Now I am also claiming this for myself.

Psalm 27: 13-14

13 I am still confident of this:

I will see the goodness of the LORD

In the land of the living.

14 Wait for the LORD;

be strong and take heart

and wait for the LORD.

I am claiming this for myself: I will see God's goodness in this my life. I will continue to wait on Him, to be strong, and to take heart. I will not quit. And I will continue to wait and trust Him.

I know God is up to something. He has something planned for my life. I just need the peace and patience to wait on Him.

A Comfortable Place?

2010-08-02T11:50:00.001-05:00

This BFN sucks.

I hate that we are at the end of this road, that the road does not continue for another 9 months. I hate that all the hope we put into this cycle (and the last), ended with nothing. I hate that I can't join my SIL, other bloggers, and other "normal" people in the world in the pregnancy/motherhood club. I hate the thought that Babe and I may never have biological children. I hate that we don't know what our next steps are. Me being me, I just want to start planning for the next steps, and jump right in. It does not help that my 37th birthday is looming, coming up this weekend.

On the other hand, I am in a weird position. I am glad that I am currently not in TTC mode, though honestly I always am. It's nice to be in a position to not have to think and worry if this cycle is going to work, or what if it doesn't. Because I already know it didn't. It's refreshing to not have to think about what CD I'm in, when the next ovulation window is, etc. I am finally able to enjoy my sushi, white mochas, alcoholic cocktails (though I rarely drink), soft cheese, dairy, etc without worrying it's going to affect my cycle.

Having been TTC for 6 years, NOT being pregnant seems, though I hate to say it, normal. It's a familiar feeling. Dare I say a comfortable place?

Sometimes it feels good, because it's comfortable and familiar. But it's not a place I want to be in. It's like an old friend, that just won't go away.

After 6 years, we need a change. The question is, what kind of change?

It's Official

2010-07-30T15:57:00.002-05:00

Well, it's official. It's a BFN (Big Fat Negative, for those of you who are not fertility challenged).

Dr. Hopeful actually called me to give me the news. She seemed sincerely sorry that this cycle didn't work out. I actually like her more and more each time I talk to her, which is not very often. I usually work with the nurses.

Anyway, based on my last cycle which resulted in no transfer, and this cycle where my embryos were slow in growing, she is convinced the issue is egg related. Well, no big surprise here. She did agree though that the quality of the 2 embryos were much better, although slow ( I didn't mention that I did acupuncture and Chinese herbs this time). And she had no issue with access to either ovaries.

My options for next steps are 1) consider donor egg, which would increase our odds to about 60% (I think that's what she said), or 2) try another cycle with our own eggs.

I told her we would probably not consider donor egg. Plus we will probably not be able to afford another round of IVF. In the back of my mind, I was hoping she would offer to do another round for a discount or for free, though I know that was probably going to happen. I was right.

She suggested I have a phone consult with Andrology Lab director about the outcome from this cycle. The last time I spoke to Dr. Lab Director, we had a very good discussion and I found him very helpful. I will try to speak to him again this time, maybe next week.

So what's next?

I have no clue. We'll probably take some time off TTC. OK, you know that never happens. Those of us who are fertility challenged never really stop thinking about TTC.

One thing for sure, I'm off my "diet restriction". Which means, bring on the margaritas, cocktails, sushi, white mochas, soft cheeses and whatever else my heart desires! I see many happy hours in my near future! Start back my Zum.ba class. Maybe train for a 10K? Just kidding, that would never happen.

I'll probably be reducing the number of blogs that I follow. I hope you understand if I stop following your blogs. Or I may keep "following" but may not stay up to date in my readings. I'm already WEEKs behind in my reading anyway. I now need to think about what we want to do next, if anything, and focus my energy on reading only certain blogs. It's getting too hard to read once-TTC-but-now-I'm-pregnant blogs. I hope you understand.

I never did get my mani/pedi that I thought about doing during my 2ww. Maybe throw in a massage, that sounds good. I know this sounds really terrible, but because of this failure (again), I feel like I don't deserve it, you know what I mean? I know I shouldn't think this way, but I do. I should be getting a mani/pedi/massage because I am finally pregnant, not because I'm NOT.

Would we consider another round of IVF? Probably not. Maybe. Who knows. I think if cost was not an issue, I would be up for it. Is it smart to even consider trying again using our own eggs, knowing there is egg quality issue? Probably not. But I feel like I should not give up. We were so close, or at least it feels that way.

Today, after going in for my beta, I met up with Annie from Cradles and Graves. We both had appointments at the clinic this morning, and we both have Dr. Hopeful as our REs. It was nice to be able to chat about how our cycles are going (or went). I found out that the company I interviewed with (which by the way, still have not made up their minds and are interviewing some more candidates!) is the same company her husband used to work for. And they have excellent fertility coverage. So who knows. IF, and a very big IF I get offered a position there, we could consider another round.

Through our conversations, I also suddenly realized that I did not take my Vive.lle (estrogen) patches during my 2ww. I thought, OMG, did I screw up my IVF by forgetting to take these? How could I have forgotten? How could I be so stupid?

When I got home, I checked my IVF handbook. When I found out I was having a day-3 transfer instead of a day-5 transfer, I moved all my info (dates, etc) from the day-5 schedule page to the day-3 schedule page. And there was nothing about those patches on the day-3 page. When I spoke with Dr. Hopeful, I asked her if it made a difference that I didn't take those patches. She said not to worry, they don't do patches for day-3 transfers. Whew! That gave me a scare. So now I have no use for all these Vive.lle patches. Maybe someday, when we decide we are done TTC, I will donate those to others.

So far, I am doing OK. Yes, I'm sad and devastated, but I'm also doing OK. I'm handling this better than the last cycle because at least with this cycle, I expected that was a possibility of a BFN. With my last cycle I was not prepared to have my transfer cancelled.

So yes, I'm doing OK. At least for now. But I don't know how tonight, tomorrow, or next week will be. I'm sure there will be some venting posts in the future.

Thanks for all your encouraging comments in my last few posts. It's really hard getting a BFN, and many of you know how that feels. But I'm still grateful for the many encouraging and supporting words. They are much appreciated and needed.

Period. Beta.

2010-07-30T08:38:00.001-05:00

I got my period last night.

We're devastated.

The clinic wants me to go in to "triple check", just in case. Whatever.

Babe thinks we should just save the money and buy alcohol instead (for me, he doesn't drink).

I'm still going in for the beta. Just because.

This majorly sucks.

Thoughts On This IVF Cycle

2010-07-29T23:34:00.006-05:00

In less than 10 hours, I will have my beta test. God, I hope this works.

To be honest, I am not feeling optimistic about this. I am still spotting, and I am having much stronger period-like cramps. I know, I know, I've read that many people swear their periods were coming and were shocked to find out there were pregnant. It would be great if that were me, but honestly, I'm not optimistic. I know I should stay positive, but it's hard. I'm not sure what we would do if this doesn't work.

I have been very emotional the last couple of days. I'm not sure if it's dealing with Jack's cancer surgery, being worn out from helping out, hormones, feeling really tired, or just knowing that the beta's coming up, and it could be the end of our journey. I've been weepy and have had a hard time falling asleep the last couple of nights.

I try not to think ahead, but I lay in bed wondering what if it didn't work, what then? Another round of IVF (probably not)? Adoption? Will our lives ever be full?

But what if it DID work? What would it feel like? Oh, I dare not even think about that!

I've been thinking about some stuff about this cycle for a while, so I'll put them down here.

This cycle was much shorter. I didn't have to go on 12 days of Lu.pron, so things were happening pretty quickly. Before I knew it, I was on stims, and egg retrieval was upon us. But timing worked out perfectly for the job interview (still no news), egg retrieval, transfer, and being around to support Jack & Ellie through their difficult time.
There was less excitement this cycle. We were more cautious. Based on our last cancelled cycle, we know that things can go wrong. We took things one step at a time.
This time I did not even see what my estimated due date would be if I got pregnant. All I know is that it should be sometime in April. When/if I get my BFP, then I will look into it.
I had very little side effect from the meds this time around. I was not on Lu.pron this time, so I'm sure that helped. I think the acupuncture and chinese herbs helped too.
I went into this cycle assuming that we only had one ovary to work with. Fortunately, we were able to retrieve from both ovaries. Unfortunately, we were only able to retrieve 7 eggs from both ovaries. The last time we retrieved 8 from one ovary.
The good news however, the quality of the 2 fertilized eggs were much better quality this time, with no fragmentation.
We are grateful we were able to make it to transfer this time around. We hope Icsi and Dicsi will stick around for the next 9 months!
Babe and I have been very blest to have people donate some of their unused/unneeded drugs. That saved us a pretty penny.
I don't know what is in store for us if this cycle does not work. This may be our last try. Maybe. Is this the end of our dreams of having biological children? Would we consider adoption? I just don't know.
Sometimes I wonder if we should have done the shared risk program. We did have some insurance coverage, but it covered only one cycle. I am starting to wonder if we should have signed up for it.

Tomorrow will be torture!

Spotting, Part 2 & 200th Post

2010-07-29T15:12:00.000-05:00

Caution: Post may be TMI for some.

There was some brown in my discharge from Endome.trin again this morning. And also more pink mucus on the applicator after inserting my morning dose.

Plus, I am feeling pre-menstrual like cramps today.

I checked with Dr. Google, and of course there are lots of cases of people that got BFPs from spotting, but I'm also sure there are lots that got BFNs. You just never know.

I thought about calling the clinic to ask about the spotting, but I already know what the nurse is probably going to say. It is normal to spot after IVF, especially with progesterone suppositories. Beta's tomorrow anyway, so why bother.

Oh and I did just check.... I do have one home pregnancy test at home. So, I could POAS if I wanted to.

Very tempting. But nah, gonna skip it.

Also, this is my 200th post!!

I can't believe I have had that many posts! I will be doing a giveaway later in honor of my 200th post and reaching more than 100 followings. I have to figure out what to give away yet.

Spotting?

2010-07-29T01:35:00.001-05:00

Caution: This post may be little TMI for some.

Just now, before I showered (I always do so before bed), I noticed that the discharge from the today's Endome.trin on my panty liner had a very light tinge of pink/very light brown. And I mean VERY light. I didn't think too much into it.

Then after I showered, I inserted my evening (or before bed) dose of Endome.trin. I noticed that there was a bit of pink mucus left in the applicator. This has never happened before.

I remember that I noticed this morning (or was it last night?) that I seemed to have some mucus when I showered.

Is this normal? Should I be concerned? Am I spotting?

Oh, and another thing, I noticed that my b00bs seemed to have "shrunk" to my normal size. When I was on stims, and even after my transfer, my b00bs were fuller than usual. They still were yesterday. Now, not so much.

Is this a bad sign? Am I over analyzing things?

9dp3dt: What 2WW?

2010-07-28T16:41:00.001-05:00

So it is now 9 days past my day-3 transfer. I'm almost at the end of my 2ww. I go in for my beta test on Friday morning.

The last week or so has flown by. I have been keeping pretty busy. I haven't posted anything for a few days because I felt that there was not much to update on the PUPO front. No pregnancy symptoms, nothing. I was experiencing some side effects from the Endome.trin including tiredness, cramping, and abdominal discomfort. But that is pretty much it. I'm not sure what that means. I know lots of people get pregnant and don't experience any symptoms at all. I'm trying not to think too much into it.

My transfer was last Monday and was on bed rest until Wednesday. I took it easy on Thursday, just laying around watching TV. On Friday, I watched Jack & Ellie's kids while they handled some legal issues before Jack's colon cancer surgery on Monday. Saturday, Babe and I ran errands. For Jack's surgery on Monday, I had emailed a bunch of Jack & Ellie's friends and family and requested bible verses. I collected the verses they wanted to share them, printed them on colored 4x6 card stock, and held them together with a ring. On Sunday, we went to church in the morning and later in the afternoon, a group of friends from church gathered at Jack & Ellie's to pray for Jack, Ellie and the kids for Jack's upcoming surgery. It was wonderful to have so many people gather to pray and support them. We gave them the booklet of bible verses then. Then I stuck around to help out around the house with the kids, chores, etc. so Ellie and Jack could pack and do some last minute things before the surgery in the morning. It was a long day and I was pooped out by the time I left around 9 pm.

Monday morning was Jack's surgery. I spent some time with Ellie at the hospital while Jack was in recovery. It's really tough to see a good friend go through something like colon cancer. All I could do was try my best to help out in whatever ways I can. Fortunately, Jack's surgery went well. They took out the part of his colon that was cancerous. He will still have to go through chemo therapy after this to take care of some smaller ones left in his small intestines that couldn't be removed. But the best news is, none of his major organs were affected, so that is VERY good news. Please continue to pray for Jack & Ellie and the kids.

After my hospital visit, I watched their kids until Ellie came home that night. It was another long day. Yesterday, I made homemade chicken soup for Ellie, and chicken broth (strained from the chicken soup) for Jack. I brought those to the hospital and was able to visit with Jack for a bit. He will be in the hospital for a few more days, but he goal is to go home by Saturday.

As you can see, my 2ww has been pretty busy. Only 2 more days before I go in for my beta.

I have not had much time to think about if this cycle worked. I am continually encouraged by the number of people praying for me. Most of the same people praying for Jack & Ellie are the same ones praying for Babe and I during this cycle. So I have been encouraged and continually reminded by these friends that they are praying for me too when I see them. Also I know you out there in the blog world are also praying for me.

I know that during the 2ww, I'm supposed to take it easy, relax and try to stress as little as possible. It has not been easy to stay relaxed these few days. I have been busy with Jack and Ellie, but this is something I want to do. Something I need to do. Ellie is like a sister to me. We are like family. I know that if I were in her situation, she would do so much and more for me too.

I know its not the same thing, but colon cancer makes my infertility struggle seem so insignificant. At least I am healthy. I do not face the possibility of death. I do not have to go through chemo. Still, going through infertility has made me more sensitive to Jack and Ellie's situation. Makes me think twice or three times before saying something or offering advice. I know what it feels like to receive well intentioned but unhelpful, even hurtful advice. I try to just be there for her, offering a hug, a prayer and support.

Someone asked how my 2ww is going. What 2ww? Keeping busy has helped me not obsess about it. But I do think about it at night, when I lay in bed. Though I don't think about it during the day, it has kept me up at night.

I do think about what if this didn't work? But what if it did? WHAT IF IT DID??

Only 2 more days before I find out if my life will change forever.

One Woman, 2 Wombs, 2 Babies, Not Twins!

2010-07-23T14:16:00.001-05:00

This lucky lady not only has 2 uteruses, but she is also pregnant with 2 babies at the same time. But they are not twins!

At her first ultrasound, one baby was about 5 weeks along, and the other one 6 weeks. She'll be having a double birth next year. Read the article here.

I wonder since she has 2 uteruses, does she have 4 ovaries? Does that mean she ovulates twice a month? That sure doubles her chances of getting pregnant each month, right?

Can I just be half as lucky as her?

Thanks, Facebook!

2010-07-22T17:59:00.002-05:00

This was an ad on my Face.book page today.

So not only do I have do deal with pregnancy announcements, ultrasound pictures, birth announcements, baby pictures and "guess what cute thing my child said/did today", Face.book is also in my face with a "pregnancy solution".

Thanks a lot!

Yah, that one didn't get a "like" from me!

Psalm 139

2010-07-22T00:44:00.001-05:00

Yesterday, I received this bible passage from one of my friends who are praying for and with us this cycle. It is from Psalm 139 and I want to share this with you. It is so appropriate after our transfer, and during our 2WW.

Psalm 139: 13 - 16 (New Living Translation)
¹³ You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body
      and knit me together in my mother’s womb.
¹⁴ Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex!
      Your workmanship is marvelous—how well I know it.
¹⁵ You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion,
      as I was woven together in the dark of the womb.
¹⁶ You saw me before I was born.
      Every day of my life was recorded in your book.
   Every moment was laid out
      before a single day had passed.

Welcome July ICLWers!

2010-07-21T16:25:00.000-05:00

Happy ICLW everyone! ICLW or IComLeavWe stands for International Comment Leaving Week. It's a great time to find new blogs and meet new friends.

I will be turning 37 in less than 3 weeks (Ugh!!), and Babe and I have been married for almost 8 years. We have been TTC for our first baby for more than 6 years. It has been a very long and tough road for us.

This ICLW coincides with a pretty exciting time for us. Babe (my hubby) and I just completed our 3rd round of IVF. You can read about our egg retrieval last Friday here and our transfer on Monday here. I am so excited to finally a have photo of our embryos, Icsi & Dicsi. We had a BFN on our first IVF, and at our last cycle, our embryos did not make to to transfer. We now we are optimistic and praying that this cycle will work for us.

I just completed my 48 hours of bed rest as of noon today. So now I'm in the dreaded 2WW (2 week wait). Any suggestions on how to deal with the next 2WW? I'm thinking maybe a mani/pedi.

Also, I'm PUPO! I'm pregnant until proven otherwise!

Thanks for visiting my blog, and I hope you stick around to see how this cycle plays out.

Introducing Icsi & Dicsi

2010-07-19T22:43:00.000-05:00

As promised, here's picture of Icsi and Dicsi. We are not sure which is which, but here they are anyways. My first picture ever of my embryos.

They were both at 4-cell stage at day-3 transfer. Even though we had less eggs retrieved, and only 2 fertilized, Dr. Hopeful noted that the quality of the eggs seem to be better, with no fragmentation. Icsi seems to be slow for being only 4-cell at day-3, but Dicsi seem to be on target, so I am optimistic.

Here's a picture of the actual transfer. The dark area in the top of the screen is my bladder. The little white arrow (sorry it's so tiny! Click on the picture to view a larger picture) is pointing to a white circle where the little 2 embryos were just placed into the uterus.

Please continue to pray that the embryos will continue to grow and implant successfully!

Transfer Day

2010-07-19T20:25:00.001-05:00

I started of today with an appointment with AcuGirl at 9 am this morning. I always enjoy my acu sessions, and pray each time she walks near my door that the session isn't over yet. I had previously asked about doing a session after the transfer too, but she said based on their experience at her clinic, the success rate is the same as just doing it prior to. So I won't see her again until I hear my pregnancy test result.

My transfer was at 11:30 am, but at 10:30, I had to empty my bladder, take my valium and start drinking water. I had to make sure that I had a full bladder by 11:30. I was worried about how much water I needed to drink because during my first IVF transfer, my bladder was SO full. I desperately needed to pee during and after the transfer, but I had to lay there for 10 minute before I was allowed to go pee.

So this time, I was very cautious about how much water I would take in. We checked in at 11 am, and by then, the valium had started to take effect. I was starting to feel woozy and needed help from Babe to walk into the IVF suite. I changed into my gown, cap and booties, and Babe changed into scrubs, cap and booties. Amy, the nurse (the same nurse from retrieval day) gave us our discharge instructions - bed rest for 48 hours, no exercise, no showering for 48 hours (eww!), no sex still pregnancy test, etc. She also put my ID tag on my right ankle, not my wrist. This was different. I guess it makes it easier for the doctor and the embryologist to confirm the tags since it is closer to them at my ankle instead of my hand. Then I asked the nurse a question (probably a "dumb" question), I asked the nurse would I have to worry about sneezing or coughing too hard (I do tend to sneeze really hard). She said not to worry. She gave me an illustration: Imagine a pea sandwiched between 2 pieces of bread. If you sneeze or cough, it may move a bit, but it would not fall out. That made me feel better.

Then Dr. Hopeful came in. I was glad she was the one doing the transfer too. As of this morning, both the embryos have grown to 4-cells. Embryo #1 was a bit slow at 4-cell ( I think they like to see it at 8-cell by now), but Embryo #2 seemed to be on target at 4-cell, considering that was ICSI'd one day later. It made me feel better that there was at least one embryo that was on target for growth. She also gave us pictures of our 2 embryos and some other eggs that didn't fertilize. I was so excited that I actually got photos of my embryos. Proof that they exists! I'll post those pictures later.

We then went into procedure room. I'm pretty sure it was the same room my egg retrieval was done it, but this was the first time I noticed a large sliding window that joined to the embryology lab. I laid on the examination table and the ultrasound tech put some gel over my belly and did and ultrasound of my uterus and bladder. I made the comment that this was the first time I've had and external ultrasound, I'm so used to the vaginal ultrasound wand. A new experience for me. So, this is what if feels like to have an ultrasound done if you are pregnant!

My bladder looked good, so I did a good job drinking water. I was glad because I felt comfortable, and not like I really had to pee. I was also happy that I was able to look at the ultrasound screen from where I was laying. Then Dr. Hopeful came in. She put in a speculum (my least favorite part!), cleaned the cervix, and did a trial transfer. I think this is done just so she knows exactly where to put the catheter. Then she put in another catheter with the embryos in it and said 'here comes the embryos".
The ultrasound tech pointed out a little white circle indicated by an arrow on screen. It's a little air bubble where the 2 little embryos are. Then the catheter was pulled out, and the embryologist checked to make sure that nothing was left behind in the catheter. And we were done!

I asked Dr. Hopeful about what "delayed ICSI" was. I thought delayed ICSI was doing ICSI on the eggs that didn't fertilize naturally the first day. I was wrong. Dr. Hopeful explained that delayed ICSI meant they did ICSI on the 3 mature eggs on the first day. Only 1 of the mature eggs ICSI'd fertilized. Then they waited one day for the other immature eggs to mature a little more and they ICSI'd those. Out of those immature egg, one more egg fertilized.

Dr. Hopeful said, yup, it's ICSI and DICSI (delayed ICSI). Of course Babe, being the funny guy he is, named our embryos Icsi (embryo #1) and Dicsi (Embryo #2, from delayed ICSI). So now we have names for our embryos!

After Dr. Hopeful left, I was left to rest for 10 minutes on the examination table before being allowed to go pee again. Then it was off to the recovery room to rest/nap for another 30 minutes. It was quite nice actually. I was pretty relaxed, thanks to the va.lium. I had Babe turn off the lights while I tried to nap, and he sat there playing on the iPad. When the 30 minutes was up, I got dressed, Babe changed out of his scrubs, and I had to pee again before leaving.

We picked up lunch on the way home, and I have been relaxing in the recliner all day. Spend the afternoon watching daytime TV - Rachel Ray, Dr. Oz, The Doctors, Oprah, etc. I'm now watching "Julie and Julia". It's nice to just bum around for a while, and letting Babe take care of me.

Though Icsi is a bit slow in growth, I'm optimistic that Dicsi is at least on target for growth size. I'm praying that both will continue to grow inside of me and implant. We are praying for either one or two babies!

So for now, I'm PUPO - pregnant until proven otherwise!

There's Something About the 19th

2010-07-19T01:01:00.001-05:00

March 19th, 2009 - I found out that we had a BFN from my first IVF that was done overseas.

March 19th, 2010 - I had my egg retrieval for my second IVF. We had no embryos to transfer.

July 19th, 2010 - Today, I am having my embryo transfer for my 3rd IVF.

There's something about the 19th. Let's pray this 19th will be the one that brings a baby home for us!

Delayed ICSI

2010-07-18T18:04:00.002-05:00

I googled "delayed ICSI" and I think it is the same thing as a "rescue ICSI". It is ICSI done the next day after finding none or very few eggs have fertilized naturally. Sound just like my scenario. Unfortunately, the research findings is not very positive. Success rates for rescue ICSI is pretty low.

Gosh, this is hard. I need to stay away for Dr. Google!

(**Updated: I found out during transfer that delayed ICSI meant the mature eggs were ICSI'd right away, and then they let the immature ones mature one more day before they were ICSI'd the next day.)

Fertilization Report & Transfer

2010-07-18T15:43:00.003-05:00

Dr. Hopeful's embryology lab called today. Out of the 7 eggs retrieved, only 3 were mature.

It sounds like they did a "delayed ICSI" which I am not 100% sure what it means. I think one fertilized naturally, and they did the delayed ICSI, I think the next day.
(**Updated: I found out during transfer that delayed ICSI meant the mature eggs were ICSI'd right away, and then they let the immature ones mature one more day before they were ICSI'd the next day.)

So now we have 2 fertilized eggs.

As of this morning (retrieval day +2) one was at 2-cell, and the other was a day behind at 1-cell.

So, we are doing a day-3 transfer instead of day-5.

Our transfer is scheduled for 11 am tomorrow morning.

For being 2 days after retrieval, 2-cell and 1-cell seems like the embryos are growing really slow. I just looked back at my fertilization report from my last cycle, and this is very similar to the last. Only one egg fertilized, but then another fertilized the next day. In this case, the second one had some help with ICSI. The difference is we had more mature eggs last time - we had 6 - and this time, we only have 3.

Also, last time we were going to do the transfer at day-5. But since the embryos stopped growing before day-5, we had to cancel it. This time, we are doing a day-3 transfer. I guess we won't know if the embryos will continue to grow once we put them back in my uterus.

I have to confess that I am somewhat discouraged at how things are turning out. I had hoped for a better outcome. But I also know I need to think and stay positive. It is not over yet.

I will find out more details about how the embryos are doing tomorrow. I am not sure which doctor is doing the transfer.

Please continue to pray for my embies to grow strong and healthy, and that we will have a good transfer tomorrow. Today, we had a few people pray for us after our church service and one of the guys said "This is your time!"

Yes, we are claiming that this IS our time!

God is in control, no matter what we will be OK. We are just praying that it is in his will for us to have a successful IVF this time.

A Prayer Request - Jack & Ellie

2010-07-18T00:28:00.000-05:00

(Image from CCF)

Please pray for my good friend "Ellie" (previously referred to as "E" in previous posts) and her husband "Jack" (not their real names). We just found out a few days ago that Jack has been diagnosed with colon cancer. Jack and Ellie are my 3-year old goddaughter's parents, and they also have a one-year old little boy at home. Jack's only 43.

Jack is scheduled for surgery next week, and he'll probably need chemotherapy after that. We do not know exactly what stage the cancer is yet. Please pray for Jack and Ellie as they face the tough road ahead of them in the next few weeks and months.

I know there is a praying community out here in the TTC blog world. Please keep Jack and Ellie and their family in your prayers.

Breaking the Silence on Infertility

2010-07-17T16:49:00.000-05:00

The August 2010 edition of SELF magazine published an article about infertility titled "This Woman Has a Secret: Breaking the Silence of Infertility". It is a very informative article and I hope it will build greater awareness about what many of us are going through. Please take some time to read it.

Image from This Woman Has a Secret: Breaking the Silence of Infertility at SELF.

Egg Retrieval Update

2010-07-16T23:02:00.000-05:00

Egg retrieval went pretty smoothly today. We arrived at the clinic early (summer Friday traffic was much better than anticipated), and sat for about 15 minutes before we were called in. I remember walking in through the "IVF Suite" door with a special password protected door. Then a nurse asked me the usual questions: health, drugs, when was the last I ate or drank, etc. Then I changed into my gown, cap and booties.

Steve, the nurse anesthetist, came and talked to me. He asked me if I have had any problems in the past and I said no. I did mention though that the last time I had my egg retrieval, I threw up when I got home. He said he would give me some Zo.fran, the kind of drug pregnant women use for nausea. He did say though, it may or may not help. He was also going to give me something for my allergy congestion, and said I would feel pretty thirsty when I woke up.

Then Dr. Hopeful came in and chatted with us for a bit. I was glad that she was the one doing the egg retrieval this time. She was feeling pretty optimistic about this. The right ovary was still in a difficult location, but she said she wouldn't know if she could get to it until I was asleep. I was concerned that we didn't have too many mature eggs, especially only 3 on the left ovary. She thought my numbers looked very similar to my last cycle and she wasn't too worried. She said all we need is ONE good embryo. Plus we would be doing ICSI, so that would help too.

Babe and I hugged, said our good byes, and he was off to the Andrology lab, and I was off to procedure room 1. Steve had me hop up on the table and he covered me up with a warmed blanket, fresh out of the warming oven. Steve then put an IV in a vein in my arm. This is new since in all my past surgeries, I've always had them in a vein in my hand. Steve said "looks like someone's been poking you a lot lately, huh? You've got a nice juicy vein." He was kind of a funny guy. I preferred it that he put the IV in my arm anyway. I think it hurt less. At the last IVF, the IV wasn't put in quite right, and it hurt for a bit. After the IV was put in, it was time for my "nice little nap" and the triple cocktail of meds (not sure what was in it) was injected into the IV.

The next thing I know, I woke up in the recovery room, and in walked Babe and Dr. Hopeful. Dr. Hopeful was able to retrieve from both ovaries. Yup, both ovaries.

7 eggs were retrieved.

I guess Dr. Hopeful had to press down on my abdomen (when I was asleep), and I guess the right ovary moved to a location that was accessible. I don't know how many eggs were retrieved from each ovary. Dr. Hopeful seemed pretty happy with how things turned out. We'll see what happens next.

I was given some water and liquid Tyle.nol. Yuck, I can't stand liquid meds of any kind! Next thing I know, it was time to dress, a wheelchair was pushed in, and it was time to go home. We were out of the clinic by 9:30 and were home by 10 am. On the way home, I could feel all the turns and bumps on the road. I kept telling Babe to take it easy. It was a little better this time though. The last time I thought I was going to throw up in the car. Just in case, we brought along a barf bag. Luckily we didn't need it.

The first thing I did when I got home was walk into the bathroom and threw up my liquid Tyle.nol. It still amazes me how fast something comes out the other way when you don't want it to! My first thought was, God, I hope I don't have to throw up like this when I am pregnant. But if I do, bring it on!

I felt much better after that. I brushed my teeth, took my first dose of tetracy.cline, ate something and went to bed. I spent most of the day sleeping, getting up a couple of times only to eat, drink, take my tetracy.cline and tyle.nol, and use the bathroom. Recovery is going fine. I'm still a little sore, but not too bad. It hurts if I sneeze or cough hard.

So now we wait. I was hoping we would be able to get more eggs, but I think I am fortunate to have 7, and from both ovaries. Last time we had 8 from one ovary. Now, we pray that the eggs are mature and especially that they are of GOOD quality.

I will be getting a call on Sunday with a report of how many eggs were mature and how many fertilized. We are doing ICSI this time, so I am praying that we will have many fertilized, and hopefully we will have some to freeze.

Again, I have to remind myself that God is in control. Please pray with me that there will be the perfect number of mature eggs, the perfect number of eggs that will fertilize, the perfect number of embryos that will make it to day 5, and the perfect of number of embryos to be frozen.

Thank you all for your support, best wishes and especially for keeping me in your prayers. I will update as I find out more.

It's Almost Time

2010-07-15T13:03:00.002-05:00

Well, it's almost time.

Had my stim day 13 appointment yesterday. Here's where I was yesterday:
  Lining: 10 mm
  Right ovary: 16.5, 15.5, 14, 13, 12, 11, 10
  Left ovary: 21, 18, 15.5, 14, 13, 13, 11

It seems like my lining has shrunk, but the nurse is not concerned. Sometimes it's a matter of angle. Also, it looks like one of my eggs have shrunk, but again, it could be sometimes the measurements aren't 100% accurate. The nurse couldn't tell me for sure if I would trigger last night or today. It would all depend on my blood work and Dr. Hopeful. I was hoping it would last night since I didn't want to have to order more Meno.pur.

Well the nurse called me back in the afternoon, and I was to trigger last night. So last night I had my HCG shot at 8:30. Babe did an awesome job with that and it didn't hurt one bit.

I am now scheduled for my egg retrieval at 8:30 am tomorrow (Friday) morning. We have to be at the clinic at 7:30. It looks like Dr. Hopeful will be the one performing my egg retrieval.

Please pray that the procedure goes well, and that the they will retrieve a good number of mature eggs. Also, pray that they may be able to access the right ovary.

Well I also had my job interview yesterday. I think it went fairly well. I was pretty nervous in the beginning, and may have rambled on for a bit. But they only spent the 1st half hour asking me questions. And the other half, it was my turn to ask them questions. It ended up more like a Q&A session. All in all, I think the interview went well. I thought it was going to be 2 interviews, but this is the only one. They are still interviewing more candidates next week, so I will find out in a couple of what their decision is. Of course I hope they offer me a job, but I'm just glad that it's over. Now I can just focus on the rest of the IVF cycle.

So tomorrow morning it is! Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers tomorrow.

Oh My Bloatness!

2010-07-13T14:41:00.002-05:00

Remember when I said I felt "full" last night? Well I'm actually really bloated.

Didn't really think that I that bloated, was since I have been feeling pretty good this cycle. Until I pulled out my suit last night. I wanted to make sure that my pant suit still fit me. The last time I wore the pants, which was not that long ago, it fit fine, in fact it was a little loose. Last night, I could barely button them! I'm not getting another suit so I just hope that I don't pass out in those pants!

At today's stim day 12 appointment:
  Lining: 12 mm
  Right ovary: 15.5, 15.5, 14, 13, 12, 11, 10 mm
  Left ovary: 18, 16, 14.5, 14, 14, 11 mm

I'm getting really close. I will have my HCG (trigger) shot either tonight or tomorrow night. I'm hoping it's tomorrow. I want to give the 14's a chance to catch up. The clinic likes follicles to be at least 15 mm before doing the HCG shot.

Unless the blood work comes back with anything different, I am to continue my current meds of 150IU Meno.pur, 300IU Follis.tim and Ganirelix, and go back for another ultrasound tomorrow morning. I will most probably have my HCG shot tomorrow and egg retrieval on Friday.

If not, they will call me this afternoon, and let me know if I need to have my HCG shot tonight, and then egg retrieval would be on Thursday.

It's all going to work out, timing wise. Though tomorrow will be a bit tricky - 8:45 am appointment at the clinic, and 10 am job interview. It will be close!

I'm off to prep for my job interview. Wish me luck!

Stim Day 11 Update

2010-07-12T23:57:00.003-05:00

Today is day 11 of stims. I added Ganire.lix to my morning shots this morning. This will ensure that my body does not ovulate before my retrieval. So 2 shots in the morning now - Ganire.lix and Meno.pur.

I had may appointment with AcuGirl today. I had to move up my appointment this week as I have my job interview on Wednesday. I told her I was a little concerned that the follicles are growing slow, but she assured me that may not necessarily be a bad thing. We want quality, not quantity. She used the heating lamp in my pelvic area again, and it felt good after. I have been feeling "full" in my ovaries all day. Tomorrow morning I go back for another ultrasound to see how my follies are growing.

I'm still keeping my fingers crossed that this won't interfere with my job interview on Wednesday. Or maybe I sayg that the job interview won't interfere with this IVF cycle? Where are my priorities??

AcuGirl and I had a discussion about how this cycle is going. I have to say, I'm not sure if it's the acupuncture, the TCM herbs, not being on loopy Lu.pron, or just being distracted with the whole job thing this cycle, but I have not been feeling much side effects or stress. At all.

No headaches, no hot flashes, no stress. I'm feeling pretty good! AcuGirl believes the TCM herbs really help with side effects. I'm not sure what it is, but I am not complaining. It feels like this cycle has flown by. I can't believe I am almost at my retrieval already.

I have to prep for my job interview, but I am so not motivated......

Stim Day 10 Update

2010-07-11T15:56:00.001-05:00

I had my 7:30 am Sunday appointment today. I was surprised to see how busy the clinic was. I suppose our reproductive cycles don't care what day of the week it is at the clinic!

At stim day 10:
  Lining = 9 mm
  Right ovary = 13 & 11 mm, plus 13 smalls (less than 10 mm)
  Left ovary - 11, 12, 15x11 (averages 13), 10 mm, plus 7 smalls

It looks like my follicles are taking their own sweet time to grow. Hopefully that's a good sign, hopefully it means they will produce mature eggs. I will be adding my ganire.lix shots with my Meno.pur shots tomorrow morning. The want to make sure my lead follicle in my left ovary (the 15x11) does not cause my body to ovulate before retrieval.

It's good to see that my ovaries are making progress, though not very quickly. I just hope that the smaller follicles can catch up with the lead follicle. I'm also glad that my right ovary is not producing too many follicles. Hopefully that means the meds are being used to build up the ones in the left ovary. A reminder, the last time, they could not access my right ovary because it was in a "difficult" location. As far as I can tell, nothing has changed, and this probably means they will not be able to access it this time too. So, hopefully the meds are being channeled to the left ovary.

But then again, who knows? It's too hard to tell what would happen!

I have another appointment on Tuesday morning for another ultrasound. we'll see then how much they have progressed. It's starting to look like my interview on Wednesday is a go!

My BIL is arriving tonight to stay with us for a week. There will be lots of sneaking around for shots this week. We'll have to see how retrieval day works out with him in town!

Saga Update

2010-07-09T16:43:00.000-05:00

Had my ultrasound and blood work this morning. Looks like my follies are lazy..... still not much action at stim day 8.

Lining = 7 mm

Left ovary = 11 mm, 10 mm, and a bunch of small 8 and 9 mms.

Right ovary = Bunch of small 8 and 9 mms.

Not too much happening yet, even on stim day 8.

Based on today's measurements, I have another appointment scheduled for Monday morning. It looks like I won't have a retrieval before Wednesday, so my interview should be fine. I also have an appointment scheduled for Wednesday at 8:45 am. That should give me enough time for my follow up appointment and make it to my interview at 10 am. So I called back Ms. Co. Recruiter to confirm my interview on Wednesday at 10 am.

Then this afternoon, the clinic called. Dr. Hopeful wants me to come in for an ultrasound on Sunday instead of Monday. I hope this does not disrupt my Wednesday plans. What sucks more is, because my appointment is on a weekend, I do not have a a choice for a time. I am automatically scheduled for a 7:30 am appointment on Sunday!

Ugh... now we'll have to see how Sunday goes!

The Saga Continues

2010-07-09T01:19:00.001-05:00

The call finally came today. Ms. Co. Recruiter called and said the people that will be interviewing me have a very full schedule the next few weeks. The earliest time that works for everyone would be July 19th. Well, that's almost 2 weeks away. I figured that would be fine. I'll probably have my egg retrieval before the interview, but hopefully before the transfer. So the interview was set for 2pm on July 19th.

Then, not too long after, Ms. Co. Recruiter called again. I guess the 19th isn't going to work after all. Now, she wants me to come in on the 14th. That's next Wednesday. That would be stim day 13 for me. Hmm... This is going to be tricky. Not knowing when my retrieval's going to be, plus I'll probably have frequent ultrasounds next week, I'm not sure how everything's going to work out. I'm just hoping that I won't have my retrieval until at least after the interview. According to the IVF schedule, the the HCG shot is usually on day 13, so maybe it will be OK. Then again, it all depends on home my body responds to the meds. So we'll have to see.

So I agreed to the interview on the 14th (for now). I have another ultrasound tomorrow (Friday) morning, so I will know more about how my follies are doing then. I told Ms. Co. Recruiter that I have a "medical procedure" next week, though I won't know for sure what day it will be on yet. I told here I would let her know tomorrow once I find out more after my appointment. So for now, I am set for an interview for July 14th. Once I find out more tomorrow, I will confirm with her and make any changes if necessary. I just hope I will find out more then.

The saga continues.....

Getting Antsy

2010-07-07T22:16:00.002-05:00

I mentioned in previous posts about applying for a a job. I had my phone interview on June 14th (Monday), that's more than 3 weeks ago. The company recruiter told me things looked good, and he would get back to me at the end of the week with a decision on whether they would call me in for an in-person interview. After a week and no news, I checked back with my recruiter. I was informed that the manager for the position was out of the country, so it had been difficult to get feedback, and I would be updated. Then a week later (this was last week), I was told that they wanted to have me come in for an in-person interview, and I had to submit references ASAP. My recruiter told me that they would be calling me in the next couple of days to schedule an interview. I thought I would get the call last week, and possibly have the interview before the 4th of July weekend. No call. Luckily I didn't take time to worry or think about the upcoming interview over the weekend.

Then yesterday, after all the 4th of July festivities, my recruiter called me again, and asked if I had heard anything, and I said no. So she called the company recruiter. Found out that he had accidently sent my application to the wrong person - the hiring manager instead of the gal who is supposed to do scheduling. He apologized and assured my recruiter that someone will call me within the next couple of days.

Yesterday: No call. Today: Still no call.

I am getting antsy. I hope they call tomorrow. If not, the very latest Friday. This means my interview will most probably be next week. This will make things interesting.

Monday will be Day 11 of my stims. Which means one of a few things.

My egg retrieval will be next week. Not sure exactly when yet, but in the past, I stimmed (on stimulation meds) for 12 days.
My next appointment at the RE's will be Friday. I will find out more how my follicles have grown then. There is a possibility I may have daily/almost daily ultrasounds next week. This makes it scheduling my interview challenging. My appointments are always in the morning, so I am hoping to be able to schedule the interview in the afternoon.
I am hoping I can schedule something earlier in the week, while I am still stimming. If it gets any later, I'll have to worry about it clashing with my egg retrieval. Of course I don't know the exact date of the ER yet, so that just makes it more interesting.
I just found out this today, one of my BILs will be in town and staying with us next week. He is getting laid off, and is in the process of networking and looking for a new job in MN. He and Babe's family do not know we are doing IVF, so it will be interesting how we will work around my appointments and egg retrieval when he is in town.

Ugh... this is a pain. When I first started on this job thing, I thought the timing would be perfect. I'd have all my interviews done before my ER or ET. But now, things have been delayed, and it is creeping up too close to my IVF schedule.

If things go well with the interview, I'll have to go in for a second interview.

Why does this cycle have to be so "interesting"?

On another note, I had an acupuncture appointment today. I finally noticed something today. AcuGirl is pregnant! I never noticed it before, but today I finally saw her belly. She is due in October. She is having a boy, her second boy. I'm happy to say it didn't bother me at all.

I was having some allergies today, so AcuGirl put needles in a couple more spots - around my elbows and around my nose/sinus cavity. I can tell it made a difference after.

Well, let's keep our fingers crossed that I will get the call tomorrow to schedule the interview. To be honest, I'm a little antsy, but not too worried. I believe that God will time everything just right.

Stim Day 5 & 4th of July Weekend

2010-07-07T10:12:00.002-05:00

I went in for my stim (stimulation) day 5 appointment yesterday. Nothing exciting going on yet. My lining was 5 mm, which was good. On Friday, it was 8 mm, but I had a slight period so the lining shed. Now it should start building up again. There were 11 -12 follicles on my right ovary, and 12 on the left. I am continuing my current dosage of 150 IUs of Meno.pur in the morning and 300 IUs of Follis.tim in the evenings. I go back for another ultrasound on Friday.

Babe and I had a wonderful 4th of July weekend. We were up in Upper Michigan visiting at my SIL's family home. Babe's parents, his brother and wife, and our 3-year-old niece were there visiting her parents. My SIL's parent's house is by a lake and we had a warm and beautiful weekend. I guess they only get that kind of weather once or twice a summer, so we really lucked out. We swam in the lake, kayaked, and even went out sailing. We had such a great R&R time. I let myself "indulge" in coffee, ice cream and almost raw fish (we had seared ahi tuna!) Just a little. But I was also very good, having a lots of fruit.

My SIL who is pregnant didn't "announce" her pregnancy while we were there. She assumed we knew since my MIL told her that she had accidently told us. She was very gracious about her pregnancy. She didn't dwell too much into it, except for when she couldn't eat certain things. The next time I see her, she will already have had the baby. My niece is so cute. She's all excited about the baby, and kept saying that she is having a little baby sister. I wonder if she will be sorely disappointed if she gets a brother.

Thankfully, I did not have any trouble sneaking in my shots twice a day. I just had to be really careful about not leaving any evidence of my shots (alcohol swabs, gauze pads, syringes, etc). I just made sure that I took everything with me when I was done. I didn't bring a sharps container with me. I just brought a small plastic ziplock container for my used Follis.tim needles, and I recapped and put my syringes used for Meno.pur in a small cosmetic bag. It worked out really well.

I hope everyone had a great 4th of July weekend. I was going to try updating my blog, but I was too busy enjoying myself!

IVF, Here We Go Again!

2010-07-01T14:29:00.002-05:00

This morning I went for my first baseline ultrasound for this next round of IVF. Looks like everything is "quiet", which is a good sign. Lining is 8 mm, which is considered thin, and a good thing. I took my last BCP on Tuesday night, so I may or may not get a period this time. But based on the lining, the nurse thinks I will probably have one. As for the ovaries, there are 10 small ones on the right ovary (the "difficult" one), and 12 or 14 on the left (I think, I can't remember). Nothing has changed with the right ovary, it's still high.

So, I'm ready to start my stims tomorrow.
Meno.pur: 150 IUs (2 vials) in the morning
Follis.tim: 300 IUs in the evening.

The best part of it all, I was able to get 3 boxes of Follis.tim 300 IUs samples from the clinic. Score! I really needed this because I only ordered enough to get me started. Now I'm feeling pretty good about this cycle.

In the waiting room this morning, a couple came in with their infant son. He's less than a year old as he wasn't even walking yet. I know some people have a hard time with people bringing children, especially babies in an RE clinic, but it didn't bother me too much. He was a real cutie, so I smiled and waved at him. His mum smiled and said "It does work" (meaning IVF). I said, "Is he your miracle baby?" and she said "Yes!" We starting chatting a little, and found out that her first IVF worked for her. She said before this, she would have been OK whether IVF worked for her or not. However, after having her son, she really wants to try again.

She was 39 when she did her first IVF, and she will be trying again at 41. I can't remember if she said she only had one egg, or one embryo, but it took and now she is blest with a healthy and very cute baby boy. I'm so happy for her. She gives me hope! She gave me her email so we will start communicating and maybe meet up again when she is in town (she lives 2 hours away). She is also a patient of Dr. Hopeful.

So far, things are starting off well for me.

Tomorrow, we are heading out to Michigan to see my BIL and SIL, the ones that are expecting. I'm sure they will be announcing their pregnancy then. My MIL and FIL will be there too. It will be an interesting trip, having to sneak around to give myself shots twice a day. And, I'll have my period at the same time.

Good times.

Unexpected Blessings

2010-06-30T00:22:00.002-05:00

I received not one, but two boxes of meds in the mail today. The first was from Trie.ssent, the pharmacy that was covered by my insurance. The second came from Wal.greens Specialty Pharmacy, for the ones I had to pay cash for. They were very similar to the ones I received previously received in this post, minus the Lu.pron. I have what I need to get started on my next cycle.

It is such a blessing to know that there is an awesome community of IFers out here in the blog world. I mentioned previously about how expensive IVF meds are, and how a couple of ladies had volunteered to donate their leftover meds to me. Well, a couple more ladies have contacted me and have offered to do the same. It is so amazing that there such amazing and generous people out there. I didn't even ask anyone for these, they just offered all on their own. All I can say is that thanks to them, I will be able to save some money on meds this cycle. Every little bit helps. Thanks so much ladies, you know who you are.

Tonight's my last night of BCPs. Yay, I'm so glad to be done. Next up, first ultrasound appointment on Thursday, and stims start on Friday. Here we go......

Today, I met up with K and E, and my 2 1/2-year-old, goddaughter L for our monthly Girl's Sushi Lunch Out. Hopefully this will be the last time I will be able to have (raw) sushi for a very long time. After lunch, we hung out for a bit and prayed for each other. K has also been TTC, and just started her 2nd round of IUIs. We are praying that both K and I will be pregnant this year. It is such a blessing to not only be around those who care and can relate to TTC, but also be able to pray for each other.

When I got home from lunch today, I received and email from the company recruiter for the job I had applied for. The company wanted me to send in a list of references' email addresses. These references will be emailed an online form to send in feedback about me. Someone will be contacting me in the next couple of days to schedule an in-person interview. Yay! I was starting to lose hope in this position since it had been 2 weeks since my phone interview. Things are rolling again. I'm excited about this. The only downside is the interview probably won't happen until after the long 4th of July weekend, which means I will be thinking about it all weekend long!

Babe, I, and another couple went to the Minnesota Twins vs. Detroit Tigers baseball game today. It was a gorgeous day for a baseball game in the brand spanking new Tar.get Field stadium. It was my first time to a major league baseball game. I was able to get the tickets for $29 (face value) each from a friend, a real steal considering it how hot the tickets are. I've heard ticket go for $75 to $100, or more for tickets to these games. The best part was of course, the Twins beat the Tigers 11- 4!! Go Twins!

Thank you, God for all the wonderful, unexpected blessings you have provided today!

Preparing The Fields

2010-06-29T01:19:00.004-05:00

I just watched the movie "Facing the Giants" the other night. Have you seen it? It is a heartwarming, inspirational movie about a high school coach who is facing different challenges in his life including his job, his football team, finances and family, including infertility. All hope is almost lost in his battle against fear and failure until a challenge is thrown at him, daring him to trust God to do the impossible. Here's a trailer of the movie.

I really like this movie. There are a lot of good messages and inspiring moments. Sure, for the savvy movie watcher, the movie plot is fairly predictable. But that's not the point. There are many good lessons taught in this movie, including faith, respect, love, and above all, it's not about us, but it's about God.

At first, I noticed the acting wasn't Oscar worthy. But that is because the movie was produced by a church in Georgia. That totally surprised me. When I checked out the movie from our church library, the lady recommended that I watch the special features (I always do anyway!). None of the actors in the movie are professional actors. The movie was produced using mostly volunteers, and members of the church. In fact, most of the main characters of the movies were actually pastors of the church (you can see this in the special features of the DVD), and the rest were church members, and most of the football players are or were players of the high school football team. That's pretty impressive for a church to produce a movie like that. Go to their website to find out more about this movie.

One of my favorite quotes of the movie was, "If we win, we praise Him (God). If we lose, we praise Him". It really hit me that in our TTC journey, we need to praise God, no matter if we "win" or "lose". Will I praise him if our IVF outcome is negative, again? I sure hope so.

My favorite part of the movie was when the main character, Coach Taylor is told that God is using him to do great things. However, he doubts it and does not see God at work. He is told this story:

There were 2 farmers who desperately needed rain. Both farmers prayed for rain, but only one went out to prepare his field for rain. Which one do you think trusted God to send rain? The one that prepared for the rain, of course.

Which one are you?

God will send the rain when HE is ready. You need to prepare your field to receive it.

After TTC for a few long years, I am tired. I'm sick of all the things we are supposed to do, or not supposed to do. Like take prenatal vitamins, avoiding coffee, eating healthy, avoiding alcohol, and the list goes on and on. All the surgeries, the appointments, the medical bills, the stress of it all. Sometimes it feels so hopeless, and I just want to give up. I want to go back to being "normal".

But these things I'm doing, they are all preparing the field for rain. And in my case, preparing myself for a baby!

God will send the baby when HE is ready. My job is to prepare myself to receive it. I have to make sure that I am ready when He is. I have to be faithful in doing my part.

So, have you prepared your field for rain? What have you done?

50 Best Companies for Fertility and Adoption Coverage

2010-06-26T00:31:00.001-05:00

First of all, I just want you to know that I am about 2 weeks behind in reading my posts! So I'm kinda out of the loop. I'm undecided on if I should catch up on everyone's posts in order, or if I should just read the most recent ones. Hmmm......

Anyway, I wanted to share this with you.

Conceive magazine published an article with a list of the top 50 adoption- and fertility-friendly companies in the United States. So if you are looking for to change jobs or companies, and fertility or adoption coverage is important to you, you should definitely check this list out.

Some of these companies have amazing benefits - like unlimited coverage!! Unbelievable!

Conceive's 50 Adoption- and Fertility-Friendly Companies
Top 10 List
Top 50 List

The Very Expensive World of IVF Meds

2010-06-25T12:38:00.002-05:00

So after finding out that I had to pay almost $4K out of pocket for fertility and all other meds for this next IVF cycle, I spent all of yesterday afternoon calling around other online pharmacies that provide cash discounts on fertility drugs. I called the following companies to compare Follis.tim, Meno.pur, Ganire.lix and HCG:
  The Apothecary Shop
  CVS/Caremark Specialty
  Freedom Drug
  (Formerly) IVP Care - now Walgreens Specialty Pharmacy
  (Formerly) Schaft's - now Walgreens Specialty Pharmacy
  Fairview Specialty Pharmacy
  Triessent Pharmacy (covered by my insurance)
  Walgreens Specialty Pharmacy
  ~~Ascend Specialty Pharmacy~~ (I tried calling but no one answered)

After calling each of these pharmacies, and putting them all into a spreadsheet, I noticed the following.

Walgreens Specialty Pharmacy has bought over some of the other (smaller?) pharmacies.
Prices of drugs have gone up since the last time I checked in January/February, around 5%.
Some companies allow a "discounted" price if you pay a $10 annual fee for Meno.pur (Walgreens and The Apothecary Shop does this); or if you register for the free program, but would need to provide your email address (Walgreens and Fairview), you could get a better price for Follis.tim.
I was told that some companies are "preferred" distributors for certain drugs, and therefore can get a cheaper of one drug name, but not the other of a similar drug. For example, Freedom charges a lot for Follis.tim - $427 for a 300IU cartridge, but only $260 for the same unit of Go.nal-F because they are a "preferred" distributor for Go.nal-F, but not of Follis.tim. These 2 brands are pretty much the same drug, just different brand name. Some companies will provide cheaper prices for Follis.tim, other for Go.nal-F.
Of the companies looked at, Freedom Drug was the most expensive
The Apothecary Shop was the cheapest.
Comparing everything, Walgreens is pretty comparable to The Apothecary Shop, with prices being only pennies to a couple of dollars difference (with the exception of the HCG, about $12 difference).

After my last post about having to pay out of pocket for almost all of my drugs this next cycle, I had a couple of ladies offer to donate to me their unused Meno.pur vials, since they are now pregnant. Yay for them! And yay for me! It's not much, just a couple of vials, but still, it is very generous of them. Thank you ladies, you know who you are. If you don't already know this, there is a wonderful group of supportive women out there!! I'm hoping that one day, I too will have some leftover meds that I no longer need, because I would be pregnant (praying and keeping my fingers crossed!)

One of the gals also mentioned buying IVF meds from Canadian online companies. Their drugs are much cheaper. Have any of you bought your IVF drugs from an Canadian or European online pharmacy?

I looked at www.canadadrugs.com, but it takes 12 days to ship, with maybe 3-4 days shorter if I go with expedited shipping. I'm don't think I can get them in time for stim start day of July 2nd, which is next week.

Just looking at canadadrugs.com, only Menopur is cheaper in Canada than what I can get here.

It's insane how expensive IVF meds are!

Nurse's Consult and Acupuncture Session

2010-06-23T16:32:00.004-05:00

Babe and I had our nurse's consult this morning. It was pretty brief and simple, since this will be our 2nd IVF with this clinic. We went through our IVF schedule and the list of the meds that I will be on. We are on a different protocol this time around, using the antagonist protocol. Last time I was on the long Lu.pron protocol. This time no "loopy Lu.pron"(yay!), so the cycle will be much shorter. I will be starting my stims (Meno.pur and Follis.tim) on July 2nd. Ganire.lix (antagonist) shots will start when the follicles are 14 mm or larger. If all goes well, egg retrieval will be on the week of July 11th.

I only have one week left of BCPs. Yay! For some reason, I have a hard time remembering to take my BCPs. I find myself running out of bed at night to take my them, remembering only right before I fall asleep! It's so annoying. I'm glad I'm almost done with them. I was able to get a bunch of free samples of meds last time - Follis.tim, Endome.trin, etc. I asked about them again, but I wasn't so lucky this time. We got nothing. I guess they were out of everything. This time though, I asked to make sure we get enough meds on the prescription sheet the first time around. There is a copay for each drug on we get from the pharmacy. The last time, I needed additional Follis.tim and Menopur because I needed to stim a couple days longer. So we had to pay copay again for the refills. Hopefully, this time we will have enough without having to do a copay again. We also made our payment for this cycle.... ouch! It's a huge investment. Let's hope this investment pays us back greatly!

I also had my appointment with AcuGirl this morning. I am enjoying my acupuncture sessions and look forward to it every week. Every week, AcuGirl asks how I'm feeling, what my stress level is, how I am feeling emotionally, etc. She always checks my pulse - today my pulse was fine - fine as in thin, not fine as in OK. Not really sure what that means. Also my tongue looks good today. I had been told to avoid dairy as it can cause "congestion" in the body. Last week she could tell that I had been been a bad patient and have been having dairy by looking at my tongue. Today, she was quite happy with the way my tongue looks. She also advised me to eat a handful of goji berries everyday. I like AcuGirl. She and I get along well and chit chat quite a bit. We always talk about food and discuss new places to eat. We even talked about how Babe and I are starting to have less in common with our friends because everyone has kids but us, and she's having the similar but opposite experience. All her friends have decided to not have kids, so now her and her husband (they have a young son) have less in common with their friends.

***While I was writing this post, the pharmacy called to verify my prescription order (the nurse faxed it in this morning) and to tell me that I had almost reached the $5,000 max of my coverage for infertility drugs. After my last IVF cycle, I now only have less than $1,500 left. I would have to pay the rest in cash. That means I have to pay around another $4K in cash!! This sucks! I knew IVF meds are expensive, but I guess I didn't really know how expensive they are! I told the pharmacy to hold off on filling out my script until I've had a chance to talk to (warn) Babe tonight. Plus I am really going to have to bug the heck out of the clinic for some samples!

Welcome June ICLWers!

2010-06-22T16:51:00.000-05:00

Welcome ICLWers! It's time again for ICLW.

For those going what the heck is ICLW, it's stands for International Comment Leaving Week. It's a week dedicated to honoring and encouraging commenting on fellow bloggers' sites. It's a great time to find new blogs and make new friends. Check out the complete list of ICLWers on Mel's official June ICLW page.

For those visiting for the first time, welcome!

A quick intro: I am 36++ years old and have been married to Babe for almost 8 years. We have been TTC our first baby for more than 6 years. So far, we have yet to see a BFP. We have gone through multiple IUIs and 2 IVFs, but still no baby. You can read a summary of our journey here.

In March, during our last IVF cycle, we did not make it to embryo transfer as our 2 embryos arrested before they could make day 5. It was a very difficult time for me as I didn't expect all our embryos to not survive. To make matters worse, they could only access my left ovary during egg retrieval because my right ovary was in a "difficult location". Previously, my diagnosis was "unexplained infertility" but now, my RE thinks that I low quality eggs due to age. If you are interested in how my last IVF cycle turn out, you can read my posts from March, starting from around March 10th.

I am currently waiting to start my next IVF cycle in July. In fact, I have my nurse's consult tomorrow. This next cycle, we are planning on doing ICSI since we had a low fertilization rate last time. Unfortunately, my RE anticipates that we will continue to have issue accessing the right ovary. So it all depends on the left ovary this cycle. I am currently doing acupuncture and traditional chinese herbs, so I am hoping that will help with the quality of my eggs this time.

Thanks for visiting my blog, and I hope you stick around to see how this next cycle plays out.

Happy ICLW!

Feeling Better

2010-06-22T00:26:00.003-05:00

I'm feeling better after finding out that I'm going to be an aunt again. This will be my sixth niece/nephew conceived since we started trying to conceive over 6 years ago. I guess it doesn't get any easier with each pregnancy announcement (intended or not) when I first hear it, but I do get over it.

I made it through Saturday night dinner fine until the in-laws left. Didn't do so well after that. I had myself a little pity party, including crying in bed. I even skipped church on Sunday. Being that it was Father's Day and all, and just getting sucky news, I was not up for church. Plus, my eyes were all puffy from the crying the night before. Fortunately, we already celebrated FD on Saturday with Babe's dad, so we were able to avoid the festivities.

I'm actually doing better now. I am happy for my BIL and SIL. My niece will be almost 4 when her little sister/brother comes along. She'll make a great big sister. Even though at my last post about this, I mentioned my BIL and SIL would probably have a boy and beat us to passing on the family name, I'm actually hoping they have a boy. I think it would be perfect for them to have a little girl and a little boy. Of course they could have more kids if they wanted, but if not, one of each is perfect, in my opinion.

I really am happy for them. I can say that now without feeling like a fraud. I'm over the initial shock. It's really is hard to hear pregnancy news, but I am always so happy for others when they do have babies! Now I can look forward to seeing them over the 4th of July weekend when we go see them in Michigan. I'm sure they are planning to announce they news then, unless my mother-in-law breaks the news to them that she had inadvertently let the cat out of the bag!

In other news, I heard from my recruiter today. It looks like the hiring manager for the position I had the phone interview for is currently out of the country, so it may be a while before I hear anything about an in-person interview. The other position that I applied for has just been filled. I'm trying to be realistic and not get my hopes up too high for this position. I know it was very hard to get into this company, so I'll just take it easy. More importantly to focus on getting knocked up this next IVF cycle!

Stupid Remark

2010-06-20T20:03:00.002-05:00

I posted about my friend who created a group on Face.book about his efforts to adopt. This is what someone posted on his page:

"uhm ya know i got like 4 kids. I could sell ya one.......?? I spose I could take payments even............ Just kiddin! Good luck you guys!! Hope the best for both of you!"

Really? How stupid and insensitive can people be?

More (Sucky) Baby News

2010-06-20T00:36:00.004-05:00

Guess what? I'm going to be an aunt again.

Yeah.... isn't it great news...... (hope you noticed the tinge of sarcasm!)

I just found out tonight that Babe's younger brother and his wife are having a baby. Again. This will be their second baby. They already have a little 3-year old girl.

Babe's parents were in town today. We took them out to dinner in honor of Father's Day tomorrow, and a belated Mother's Day celebration since they were on vacation on mother's day. We were talking about my sister-in-law, and my mother-in-law accidently mentioned "the baby". I said, "What baby? She's having a baby?" "Oops, I guess was I wasn't supposed to say anything yet" said my mother-in-law.

Of course it was a shocker to me! I just hope that shock did not show through too much! The only thing I could think of to say was "Congrats, you're going to be grandparents again!"

Of course I'm so happy that my BIL & SIL are having a baby again. They deserve it. They had a miscarriage before their daughter was born. And they are such great people. I can't wait to meet my next niece or nephew, with blonde hair and blue eyes.

But I can't help but feel the jealousy creeping up again. I thought we would have a baby before they had a second baby. They got pregnant with their first when we had been trying for a few years. Now their little girl is already 3. Now they are pregnant with baby number 2, and we are STILL trying.

The kicker though is their baby is due mid January. That means they conceived in April, a month or so after our failed IVF attempt in March. They beat us to it. Again. It would mean we could have been pregnant together. I was hoping that we would be at least pregnant before they conceived their second child. Maybe the kids could play together.

With our luck, they will probably have a boy, and they'll be the first to carry on the family last name. I had hoped that maybe we would be able to do that.

With the exception of Babe's youngest brother who is single and 10 years younger, we are the only ones among his siblings that don't have kids. Chances are, his youngest brother (I mean his girlfriend) will probably have a baby before we do.

Gosh, I hate feeling this way! Feeling upset about someone else getting pregnant. I should be happy for them. I AM happy for them. But yet as the same time, I am sad and upset. I feel left behind as everyone else is moving on with their lives. It's so unfair. And I have to pretend that I'm happy. I feel like such a whiner. I feel like a bad person.

This really sucks.

Baby News on Facebook (Not Mine)

2010-06-19T16:36:00.000-05:00

In the last few days I got some baby news. First of all, a gal from high school who's a year my junior just posted some pictures on her Face.book page. I like looking at her pictures because she lives a pretty jet set life, always traveling around the world on vacation. I envy her travels (who won't?), but love seeing her pictures. I just saw her last photos.... "3rd Wedding Anniversary Trip & Babymoon".

Yeah.... babymoon, you know those trips people take before the baby arrives? I wouldn't know anything about that.

She posted pictures of her and her hubby enjoying themselves laying around on the white sandy beaches of Mexico, snorkeling in the water, sporting a beautiful big baby belly. Hmph.... hate to admit it, but I'm jealous. You'd be too, right?

Then just a couple of days ago, my friend, Brian from church sent out an invitation on Face.book to join a group he started to let people know that him and his wife are adopting. That is so exciting. I had no idea they were adopting, or had fertility issues. I'm so happy for them. They are even having a walk to raise funds for the adoption. I'm praying that things go well for them, and that they get picked as parents soon. They would make awesome parents!

TWO Phone Consults

2010-06-18T23:50:00.001-05:00

Yesterday, I mentioned that I was supposed to have a nurse's consult on Tuesday for our next round of IVF but I cancelled. I wanted to talk to Dr. Hopeful first about trying to access the eggs in my right ovary.

So yesterday, I was finally able to talk to Dr. Hopeful over the phone. I again told her about my concern that we can only access my left ovary. Was there any other way to access the right ovary that was located high and behind the uterus? It feels like such a waste to not be able to access the eggs on my right ovary, cutting down the number of eggs to 50% for my next cycle. This is what I found out:

She will not try to retrieve eggs from my right ovary by going through the uterus unless it looks like the position of the ovary has changed. This is unlikely, but it is possible. She does not want to risk going through my uterus with a needle, jeopardizing the condition of uterus which may impact implantation of the embryos.
Many people have successful IVFs even though they only have one ovary. This of course, is no comfort to me, knowing the crappy quality of my eggs. Also it's not the same thing having only one ovary, versus having 2 good ovaries and knowing that your eggs from the right ovary is just being wasted!
She will not be able to do a laparoscopic surgery to remove the eggs during the IVF retrieval process. In the past, egg retrieval was done via laparoscopic surgery, but that procedure is no longer used for IVF. They have found that it is inefficient and have low pregnancy rates.
Dr. Hopeful's clinic is not set up to do laparoscopic surgery. It totally makes sense. She is not trained for laparoscopy, and I wouldn't want her perform it on me!
Most IVF clinics do not do laparoscopic egg retrieval for IVF anymore. According to her, there are no clinics in MN that do that anymore. I would have to go out of state to have it done. Today I called another IVF clinic here in the Twin Cities asking about laparoscopic egg retrieval. They don't offer that in their clinic either. I will try to call another clinic next week to see if they do it. Just out of curiosity.
If I wanted, I can consider doing a laparoscopy surgery to try to move my ovary to better position, making it more accessible for egg retrieval. But there are no guarantees. It would mean postponing my IVF cycle for a few months.
For our next cycle, we will be doing 100% ICSI. From my first IVF cycle overseas, I didn't seem to have any issues with fertilization, and therefore, ICSI was not considered. But we will do it this next time around.

During my conversation with Dr. Hopeful, I mentioned that I had not been able to get a hold of the andrology lab director. She had suggested I go over my lab results with him. However, I had left multiple messages for his admin, but she never got back to me. So I gave up on trying to reach him. Well she said she would email him (he is based in Utah) asking him to call me.

Less than an hour after I hung up the phone with Dr. Hopeful, he called! So I had my second phone consult of the day, with Dr. Lab Director. I was very surprised that he called me back so quickly. He's what he told me:

Based on my first IVF cycle overseas, he didn't expect the outcome of my last cycle at the clinic.
My last cycle here, 8 eggs were retrieved, and 6 were mature. 3 of the 6 were mature but had vacuoles (similar to bubbles) in them, indicating that there were some issues with the egg. According to him, this is very unusual.
According to Dr. Lab Director, in IVF cycles that have bad outcomes (like mine), in the next cycles, if nothing is done differently, 40% - 50% of the time they get a different outcome. Possibly just a fluke. The other 50% of the time, they get the same result. So I guess, it sounds like we have a 50-50 chance of it working the next cycle?
So the question is, is the issue the egg or the sperm? According to Dr. Lab Director, Babe's sperm seems to be fine, based on previous IUIs and IVFs. Generally sperm tends to be more consistent. It seems like the issue is with my eggs (no surprise here!). Unfortunately, there is no good test for eggs.
His guess is, my body may have responded differently to the drugs or protocol of my last cycle versus the one overseas. It's a possibility, but we will never know.
Doing ICSI is a good idea for the next cycle since we had such a low fertilization rate (only 2 out of 6). This will increase the odds of our eggs fertilizing.

Based on the 2 phone consults I had, I have decided to continue with our original plan of doing our next IVF cycle in July. We now have a nurse's consult next Wednesday, June 23rd. I am praying that acupuncture and herbs will help improve the quality of my eggs. I can sure use all the help I can get.

Still Alive

2010-06-18T00:43:00.002-05:00

I'm alive!! Yes, I'm still alive and kicking! Sorry, I have been MIA, and for such a long time too! I can't believe my last post was 2 weeks ago! Apologies are due to my readers!

I have had a busy last couple of weeks. I had the sincerest intentions of posting about them in detail, but looking back now, I think I will just do a overview of the last couple of weeks. The more I waited to post, the harder it was to sit down and write.

So here's what you missed in the last couple of weeks.

I started acupuncture. It took a lot of thought, reading, research, counsel and prayer before I decided to actually do it. I knew what to expect, but yet didn't quite know what to expect. Does that make sense? I thought maybe it would be a more dramatic experience, but it was quick, simple and relaxing. My practitioner, we'll call her AcuGirl, put needles in on the top of my head, between my eyebrows, on my hands between my thumb and index fingers, my lower abdomen (ovaries and uterus), my lower legs and near my big toes. After the first session (I've had 3 so far), she also used a heating lamp on my lower abdomen area. I found that to be very relaxing, and could feel a change in my blood flow in my pelvic area. I could even feel the difference later in the day after my appointment. I plan on seeing AcuGirl once a week, unless my cycle changes once I start stims. I also started taking Chinese herbs as well. I'm hoping this will help with the quality of my eggs.
Four of us gals from the Patiently Waiting infertility support group got together for lunch. It was a fun girls lunch out, and of course we chatted about the frustrations of TTC.
A high school friend from my home country was in town over a weekend. He was traveling for work and happened to be in town visiting some of his clients. Babe and I played host over the weekend. We enjoyed some very delicious (and expensive) French food. It was so worth it though. Even Babe, who does not care too much for "fancy" food was super impressed. I was so happy he enjoyed it. We also had some delicious Japanese food - sushi, sashimi and other seafood. I guess you could say that "luckily" I am not pregnant, so I can actually enjoy these food!
Remember my last post where I talked about working on my resume and prescreen questions? Well, I did it. I applied for not one, but 2 positions at the same company. After submitting my resume, I got a request for a phone interview. Of course, since I had not been using my noggin' (brain) in such a long time, I decided to have the phone interview the next week. I spent all week stressing out and prepping myself for a phone interview. Well, the interview was a high level prescreen call. And I mean a very high level call. I was expecting the recruiter to ask me some classic interview questions, maybe even some behavioral questions. Nope, nada, zip. Not one. He just asked the basic salary, why I left, why I want to work there, etc. I think I had more questions for him and he did for me. In the end, I think the call went fairly well. I should find out at the end of today or early next week if they want me to come in for an in-person interview. Keeping my fingers crossed. And just in case, I got my suit dry cleaned.
Every year, Babe's family has a family reunion at one of his aunt's house by the lake. This year was no different. There were 8 kid running and chasing around their Uncle Babe. They all ADORE Babe. It's so funny because all his nieces and nephews wanted to sit next to him at lunch. He's so great with kids, and like the last few years, it still hurts somewhat to see him playing other's people's kids but not our own. I can't wait till he can focus all his attention on HIS kids.
We were supposed to have a nurse's consult on Tuesday for our next round of IVF. I cancelled it because I wanted to talk to Dr. Hopeful about trying to access the eggs from my right ovary. I will post about this later.

It's amazing how a little distraction away from IF related stuff can cause me not to post for 2 weeks! Also, I'm 2 weeks behind in reading my everyone else's posts. I hope I am not missing out on too much. It will take me a while to get back in the swing of things.

Headache, Job and IVF

2010-06-04T00:00:00.001-05:00

I have a headache. I've had it since yesterday. Not sure if it's the BCPs, or the stress from the whole applying for a job thing. I'm leaning more towards the job thing.

I worked on my resume all day yesterday. It shouldn't have taken that long, but it did. It's difficult to think that hard when you haven't used your brain like that in a while. It's probably a good thing, in case I forget totally how to use it. I managed to send my resume in to the recruiter last night.

I spent all day today working on a document with prescreen questions on it. Yeah, they won't even look at your resume until you have your prescreen questions answered. Only then will they look at your resume. Again, it shouldn't have taken such a long time to answer 15 questions. Questions like what is your long term career goals, why do you want to work for this company, tell me your experience working in....., etc. But it did. I wanted to make sure that I think carefully about the answers I put down. With it being a Word document, it's going to exist forever, and it may come back to bite me in the ass sometime in the future. But it's done. I just sent the final copy of my resume and the prescreen questions to the recruiter just now so she can submit it to the company tomorrow. I'm just relieved that it's done. Maybe the headache will go away now.

Last night, I tried to have the "What if this IVF doesn't work" discussion with Babe. I wanted him to start thinking about what our next steps would be. But it didn't go so well. He didn't want to talk about or think about it. His rationale is, he wants to go into this next IVF assuming it's going to work. He wants to go in feeling positive about it. If it doesn't work, then he can be disappointed. He doesn't want to approach it thinking it's not going to work, and being disappointed with the whole thing for the next couple of months even before the procedure.

I can understand how he feels. Actually I'm glad he feels that way, it totally makes sense. We could use all the positivity we can get!

Being me, of course I'm trying to lay out our plans for the next few months, especially with a potential job coming up for me. Also I wanted to start having the conversation about adoption, specifically embryo adoption. Not that we are making any decisions yet, of course, but I just wanted to put it out there. Maybe have him start thinking about it. But he's not ready to give up yet (Yay!).

One thing that still bothers Babe is the fact that the RE could not get to the eggs in my right ovary at the last retrieval. He wants to know why. I've explained it to him before, that because of where the right ovary was located, high and behind the uterus, the RE would have had to go through the uterus to retrieve the eggs, and they did not want to do that. That would disrupt the uterus and would impact embryo implantation. Babe is not satisfied with the answer. He thinks there should be a way to access the eggs. A laparoscopic surgery, maybe?

Does anyone know if there is another way to access eggs other then via the usual IVF procedure?

I'm going to have to call my RE and find out if there is a way that we can access the eggs in the right ovary during retrieval.

Back to Work?

2010-06-02T16:40:00.002-05:00

Many of you already know that I am currently not working. I have not been working since January 2009. That's about 17 months of being unemployed. I have been unemployed by choice, I chose to leave my last job because it was way too stressful, and my life had been all about work. I was working everyday, sometimes 10 to 12 hour days. It was taking a toll on my life - mental, physical, emotional and spiritual.

So, I quit my job. I spent a few months visiting family overseas. I also did one round of IVF overseas - I didn't get pregnant. After I got back, I was not ready to go back to work. I wanted to take some more time off, hoping that being relaxed from not working would maybe help me conceive naturally. I made a trip to Hawaii. I visited a friend in Indiana. Babe decided it was time to try IVF again. I started blogging. The whole time I was not working.

During this time, I did not look for a job, but I did interview for a job that was 5 miles from home. I hated my commute in the past! So, it was so tempting because it was so close. The interview was a rush, just a day before I left for my Hawaii trip. I was not ready to go back to work, but a recruiter had contacted me about this position with a great company. It was tempting, but it didn't work out. I'm glad it didn't because it wasn't a good fit.

In the last few months, I have been contacted by another recruiter, Linda. I never called her back because I was/am not ready to go back. Due to a couple of remarkable coincidences (divine appointments?), I found out that a former colleague of mine had worked with Linda and had just started with Company C. He absolutely loves it there and highly recommended working with Linda. My friend Ro, also worked with Linda for a position there, though she ended up accepting a position with another company.

All this to say that I am considering going back to work.

Am I 100% ready to go back to work? Not really.

With another round of IVF coming up in July, of course I am hoping this round works. What happens if I do get pregnant? What if I am offered a job?

The other big thing is I absolutely HATE, HATE, HATE interviewing for jobs!! I can't stand it. I hate "selling myself". It stresses me out! I have not been working for the last 17 months! I don't remember much technical terms off the top of my head! I'm going to need a lot of prep!

Did I mention I hate interviewing for jobs?

I know that I am was/will be good at my job (I am in IT, information technology), I have been told by my past colleagues and people I worked with, so I am confident in that sense. But to actually interview for a job, ugh... that scares the bejeezus out of me!

How do I interview for a job after not working for 17 months?

I had questioned myself, is this a good time to start looking for a job? Here's some for and against arguments:

For

There is a chance that Babe may get laid off in the next few months. It may take him some time to find another job.
If this next round of IVF does not work, we may have to start looking into adoption. Having a job will help us save money for adoption. Plus, it is likely that there will be some form of adoption assistance offered by the company.
A new company may include new infertility coverage, but would I really want to consider further treatments?
The market is starting to look better in my field. It is not often that recruiters will call you up for jobs. There are one or two jobs that may be "perfect" for me (not sure if I am perfect for them though). The company is looking to fill the positions NOW.
This company that I am looking into applying at is a large multi-national corporation with great benefits and potential career advancements. They even have bonuses!
I am grateful that I am able to take some time off from working (most people can't), but I also feel that if I am not going to get pregnant soon, I should go back to work.

Against

Will this job search/interview stress me out? I foresee the interviews (if any) will happen within the next couple of weeks. How will this impact my IVF cycle?
IF I get hired and IVF works, what then? Do I continue to work with such a precious cargo (pregnancy)? I know lots of people work while pregnant, but I worked so hard for this pregnancy! Starting a new job and being newly pregnant is not a good combo. Or would I choose to stay home?
This job could possibly include a lot of travel. IF I am pregnant, would I want to do that?

I talked with Linda again today. I will be working on my resume, I hope to submit it to her by tomorrow or Friday.

If God is opening doors for me for a job, I shouldn't be ignoring them. I don't want to close a door that God is opening for me. If getting a job with this company is not in His plan, then it would not work out anyway.

I am going to trust that God is faithful and I will walk in the path that he lays out for me.

16 Things You Shouldn't Say To a CNBC

2010-06-01T23:43:00.000-05:00

Here's another post I just have to share.

La Belette Rouge shares about 16 things you shouldn't say to a CNBC (childless not by choice).

STFU Fertiles

2010-06-01T16:49:00.001-05:00

Ok this is a lazy post. I'm posting about a fairly new blog that just started last month.

Go check out STFU Fertiles, its a blog to vent about the dumb and/or hurtful things that fertiles say. Some are funny, others just make you go "No, she didn't!!" I'm sure you an relate to at least some of it.

If you are a fertile, hopefully you may find this enlightening!

p/s It took me a while to figure out what STFU stands for. Silly me!

Here We Go Again

2010-05-28T14:33:00.001-05:00

On Wednesday, on the way from my hermitage to the main house to check out of Pacem In Terris, I made a detour to the biffy (outhouse/bathroom). AF showed up then. I only had a 26 day cycle this month. No wonder I thought I ovulated early this month.

Yesterday I called the clinic to schedule an appointment for the next round of IVF. For some reason I thought I needed to schedule blood work and/or ultrasound. Silly me, not needed. The nurse told me I only need to start BCPs (birth control pills) today and show up for our IVF nurses consult on June 15th.

So that's it. We are off to our next round of IVF. Yup, we are going for it now instead of waiting another month. At first, I thought I'd like to wait a month. I'm considering using acupuncture this time around, if I can find the right practitioner. I thought maybe I'd give it some time for acupuncture to take effect, but I can do it while on BCPs.

Also, Babe does not want us to wait any longer. He is not sure how long he will stay at his job as they are anticipating another round of layoffs. He was surprised he survived the last one. We want to do this while we still have IVF coverage on his insurance, just in case.

Plus if we wait another month, my egg retrieval/embryo transfer will be in August. Yeah, I'm turning 37 in August! Another year older, and the ticking clock gets louder! I know it's just one month, but somehow I would feel better about doing this at "36" versus 37.

It will be around 4 months since my last egg retrieval to my next one. Sometimes it feels like it was just yesterday when I found out about my cancelled transfer. At other times, it feels like it was a lifetime ago. We are just praying that this is THE cycle for us.

So here we go again...

Pacem In Terris

2010-05-26T22:36:00.002-05:00

Hi Peeps! I'm back. Didn't even know I was gone, did ya?

Yup, I posted the last couple of days when I was actually out of town, and with no access to the internet. Wasn't really trying to be sneaky about it, but since I found out about the ability to schedule posts automatically, I've been dying to try it out for when I am out of town.

I have been a hermit the last couple of days.

A what, huh?

Yeah, a hermit. I spent the last 2 nights at a place called Pacem In Terris, meaning "Peace On Earth". It is a hermitage retreat center, a place of silence and solitude. Just you, nature and God.

I stayed in a hermitage, a simple cabin with no running water or electricity, but a very comfortable place to be in. It is a place to get away from all the busyness of life, job, daily responsibilities and the distractions of technology - TV, radio, internet, and yes, even blogging!

Unfortunately, Monday was also the hottest day in a long time. We hit the 90's.

I spent my time in silence, reading, praying and just enjoying nature. You barely see anyone else at the retreat, unless you decide to have dinner at the main house. I took time to reflect on my TTC journey in the last few years, my journey ahead of me, my faith, and my walk with God. It was a time I set aside for myself before I start my next round of IVF.

It was good to get away from the normal routine of life. To get away from blogging (though I did miss it!). To get rested and refreshed. I could have spent a few more days there. It was beautiful out there.

Here are some pictures that I took from Pacem In Terris.

Have you done a retreat like this? How did you like it?

My hermitage

Rocking chair facing the large picture window, I spent a lot of time here

My chair in the screened in porch, I spent most of my time here

View of the grounds (notice the cross in the background)

Boardwalk to the lake

End of the boardwalk, a place to enjoy the view of the lake

A deer showed up, view from my picture window

99 Things About Me

2010-05-25T13:00:00.001-05:00

**Update: Thanks to BabySmiling, I now have updated the list with #49**

This has been going around the blog world lately. It's supposed to be 99 things about me, but I found that there are only 98 items. In the version that I copied from, #49 is missing.

Does anyone know what #49 is supposed to be?

99 Things About Me

Started your own blog - Yeah, obviously
Slept under the stars - Camping under the stars in the mountains of Colorado is amazing!
Played in a band - drums in middle school, played the flute in the marching band with the Girls Brigade, and sing on a worship team at church.
Visited Hawaii - Maui rocks!
Watched a meteor shower - Very cool!
Given more than you can afford to charity - I give to a few charities but can't really say I've given more than I can afford
Been to Disney World - not yet, but have been do Disneyland L.A. and Disneyland Tokyo
Climbed a mountain - No, but I know someone who just made the summit of Mt. Everest on Saturday! He's finally completed his climb of the 7 highest summits on each continent.
Held a praying mantis
Sang a solo - In church when I was little.
Bungee jumped - in Hanmer Springs, New Zealand.
Visited Paris
Watched a lightning storm - On my birthday last year, while tornado sirens were going off even though we were supposed to be in the basement! Even video taped it.
Taught yourself an art from scratch
Adopted a child
Had food poisoning - Unfortunately, yes. Not something I hope to experience again!
Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty - Not all the way to the top though, they closed off the top when I was there.
Grown your own vegetables - Most credit goes to Babe though
Seen the Mona Lisa in France - It was smaller than I thought
Slept on an overnight train
Had a pillow fight
Hitch-hiked
Taken a sick day when you’re not ill - I call those "mental health days"
Built a snow fort
Held a lamb - I always worry they would poop while I'm holding them!
Gone skinny dipping
Run a Marathon - Why?
Ridden in a gondola in Venice - On Babe's birthday a few years ago, actually
Seen a total eclipse - Very cool!
Watched a sunrise or sunset - Who hasn't?
Hit a home run
Been on a cruise
Seen Niagara Falls in person - 3 times
Visited the birthplace of your ancestors - I was in China, but it's a huge country!
Seen an Amish community - Does it count if it's from afar?
Taught yourself a new language - I think our husbands speak a different language, don't you?
Had enough money to be truly satisfied - I'm hoping one day I will
Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person
Gone rock climbing
Seen Michelangelo’s David - Seen the replica in it's original location in Florence, but not the original sculpture which is in the museum.
Sung karaoke - Yeah, baby!
Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt
Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant - Done this many times at drive-thrus.
Visited Africa - Was in Mauritius which is an island off the coast of Madagascar. Technically, it would be considered Africa, just not the main continent.
Walked on a beach by moonlight
Been transported in an ambulance - A group of us were in a car accident after bungee jumping in New Zealand (see #11). I was fine.
Had your portrait painted - I'm counting my caricature portrait done by a street artist!
Gone deep sea fishing
Seen the Sistine Chapel in person - Very cool....
Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris
Gone scuba diving or snorkeling - I've scuba dived in Maui during whale season. You could hear the whales singing in the water. Pretty freaky but so cool!
Kissed in the rain
Played in the mud
Gone to a drive-in theater
Been in a movie
Visited the Great Wall of China
Started a business
Taken a martial arts class - Tried kickboxing (the REAL kickboxing, not the cardio fitness class) in college. I was so sore I never went back!
Visited Russia
Served at a soup kitchen
Sold Girl Scout Cookies
Gone whale watching - Incredible!
Got flowers for no reason - Thanks Babe!
Donated blood, platelets or plasma
Gone sky diving
Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp
Bounced a check - Not proud of it
Flown in a helicopter
Saved a favorite childhood toy - Wish I had.
Visited the Lincoln Memorial
Eaten Caviar
Pieced a quilt - Does making a quilted pillow cover count?
Stood in Times Square
Toured the Everglades
Been fired from a job
Seen the Changing of the Guards in London
Broken a bone - Thankfully not!
Been a passenger on a motorcycle - Whee.......
Seen the Grand Canyon in person
Published a book
Visited the Vatican
Bought a brand new car - What's wrong with used cars?
Walked in Jerusalem - Some day.
Had your picture in the newspaper - Made the front page of the Sunday papers when I was in college.
Kissed a stranger at midnight on New Year’s Eve
Visited the White House
Killed and prepared an animal for eating - Caught, cleaned and cooked fish
Had chickenpox - There was a time I was certain I would catch it since everyone else around me did, but was lucky enough not to. I'm immunized instead.
Saved someone’s life
Sat on a jury
Met someone famous - Michael W. Smith signed my t-shirt.
Joined a book club
Got a tattoo
Had a baby - Someday, please?
Seen the Alamo in person
Swam in the Great Salt Lake
Been involved in a law suit
Owned a cell phone
Been stung by a bee

IVF Schedule

2010-05-24T14:00:00.002-05:00

On Friday, I received a packet in the mail for my next round of IVF. In it, a prescription for BCPs, my list of drugs I will be on, and my IVF calendar.

For this round I will be doing the Antagonist protocol versus the Lu.pron protocol from last time. I will be on Ganire.lix instead of Lu.pron, Follis.tim and Meno.pur. Thankfully, no PIO this time either, I will be on Endome.trin suppositories again.

The antagonist protocol is much shorter than the Lu.pron one. I will not be suppressed for 12 days with Lu.pron. I will go on BCPs after AF shows up, stims will start on July 2nd and the estimated egg retrieval/transfer will be the week of July 11th. My nurses consult is scheduled for June 15th.

It's coming up fast.

I could have started earlier, with stims starting on June 25th, but then ER/ET would have been the week of July 4th, and I didn't want to risk it in case we decided to go on vacation that week. To be honest, I'm not even sure if I want to start that quickly. I'm thinking about taking another month off before doing IVF again. I have my reasons, but that will be for another post.

For now, we are have a plan, though that plan could change.

Embryo Adoption

2010-05-23T17:17:00.000-05:00

At the Patiently Waiting Infertility support group on Tuesday, I met a girl named Katie. She is pursuing embryo adoption.

Yeah, embryo adoption.

When I first heard about her from K (Patiently Waiting also has an adoption group) I thought wow, that's so cool. Then when I met her on Tuesday, my heart jumped a little.

I'm not sure what this means yet, but the thought of embryo adoption is exciting. If IVF does not work for us, and if we decided to pursue adoption, this is an option. I heard about embryo adoption on Focus on the Family a few years ago. At that time, we were just starting our fertility treatments, and it never even occurred to me that we would have considered IVF. So I didn't even consider it. But now, embryo adoption seems like a possible option. Though Babe and I have not talked about this, I did "casually" mention Katie to him. Couldn't really tell how he felt about it though.

With embryo adoption, we would have to go through the regular adoption process. Unlike regular adoption, I would actually be able experience pregnancy and childbirth, which would be a big plus! There is also no risk of a failed adoption where a birthparent decides to parent or reclaim a child. Plus, since we have gone through IVF, we can relate to the pain and heartache of infertility, and we know how much the biological parents wanted and desired to have children.

It is estimated that there are around 500,000 human embryos in cryopreservation in the US. Because some parents that have gone through IVF have extra embryos, but have decided that their families are complete, they are faced with a dilemma: donate the embryos to research, thaw them and let them die, or donate them to couples that cannot conceive. With embryo adoption, we would be adopting these donated embryos, a decision that is life honoring for both the biological parents and the adoptive parents.

Like I said earlier, I don't really know what this all means for us yet as we are planning on another round of IVF. I haven't taken time to research any of this but I'll probably meet up with Katie sometime in the future just to chat. Still, it's exciting just to think about it.

Have adopted an embryo? Have/Would you ever considered it?

Divine Appointments

2010-05-22T22:26:00.003-05:00

Do you believe in divine appointments?

Have you ever had a coincidence that was so special that you thought it couldn't just be a coincidence? That maybe God played a role in orchestrating the whole thing? Some people think that it's just incredible luck, but I think it's more than that.

I believe in divine appointments. I believe that God puts people and situations in your life for a purpose. In the last couple few months, things have happened in my life that made me go "Hmmm...... what's HE up to?"

Here are just a few "coincidences":

A couple of weeks before I left my job last year, Ro, a gal on my team that I had worked with for more than 5 years, and I started chatting. The topic of kids came up and eventually we both cautiously revealed that we both have had TTC issues. It's funny how we never talked about this until right before I left the company. Maybe it makes it easier because I was leaving the company. She has told me how nice it is to be able to talk to another person about her struggles and feelings, since all her other friends and family already has kids. I also referred her to my doc that eventually performed her laparascopy. We still meet up for lunch to chat. I hope I can be a source of support for her.
I met Kristi at a Chipot.le restaurant because there were no seats available. She offered to share a table with me and we started chatting. To make a long story short, we found out we clicked like old friends, met up for coffee and found out we had a lot in common. She is an acupuncturist, has had 3 miscarriages, adopted a baby girl and then got pregnant with her son a few years later (yeah, the classic just adopt and got pregnant scenario!). We hang out for lunch or coffee sometimes and she has a heart for people dealing with infertility because of her own journey.
There is a group of friends that have been praying for Babe and I during out TTC struggles. I found out that one of the couples that have been praying for us, their daughter had struggled with infertility for a couple of years, is now pregnant via IVF and is due in June. Another couple that is praying for us also had experienced baby loss. I am grateful for my strong prayer partners that have supported us all this while, and it makes is even more special when you know they can relate to some of your pain.
4 out of 5 women (including myself) in my small group at church has suffered through miscarriages and/or infertility. The one that hasn't is single. I wasn't planning on telling my group about my fertility issues, but once they found out about my failed IVF, they all came forward with their stories. I think God is teaching me not to be ashamed of my struggle, but to share it and be a blessing to others.
K and I have met casually before a few years back via a mutual friend (her friend is married to one of Babe's best friends). She had heard in the past that I was dealing with infertility, and happened to see my name on the email list of a Christian infertility support group called Patiently Waiting. I had not attended this group in 3 years due to conflicts. She emailed me one day and asked me if I were going to the meeting that night. I had not planned on attending since it had been 3 years, but since my schedule was open, I decided that I'd go with her. It was such a blessing to have gone. I have met a few other wonderful gals, and we have met even outside of the support group
Last Sunday, I ran into K (from the above) at church. K grew up in my church but had not been attending there in a few years. I had just got done attending the first service, and she had just gotten done with her bible study small group that was meeting for the first time. It was totally weird to run into K at church! Coincidently, there was a lady there, Mar, in her small group that had been dealing with infertility for 8 years before conceiving her 2 sons. We (Babe and I) plan on joining K and her small group the next time they meet.
Mar, K and I have met up for breakfast. We had a wonderful time sharing our experiences, and struggles. Mar is such a strong and godly woman, and her encouragement has been such a blessing. It has been such a blessing meeting her!
While K and I were chatting when we met at church, one of our pastors, Pastor Greg came walking by. I had emailed Pr. Greg earlier in the week with a question about infertility treatments (he is also a doctor), but he did not have a chance to reply yet. Coincidently, K had known him from her youth group days (remember K grew up at my church). So, he stopped by to say hi. We mentioned that both K and I have been dealing with infertility, and I mentioned my question that I emailed him. Not only did he give us time out of his busy schedule to chat, he answered my question AND he prayed for the both of us right there and then! Again, what a blessing! I could not believe how the day had played out.

So, do you believe in divine appointments? What's your story?

Pac Man's 30th Anniversary

2010-05-22T01:54:00.004-05:00

Did you hear? It's Pac Man's 30th Anniversary. In honor of that, Google embedded the game directly into it's logo on it's website (www.google.com) .

Go check it out. You can actually play the game on the logo. Just click on the "Insert Coin" button. You can even do 2 players! Just click on the button twice for 2 player mode. Use the arrow keys for moving around, and if playing 2 players, use the WASD keys to move Ms. Pac Man.

I get a chuckle out of it..... even comes with the original annoying sounds.

Don't miss it. You can only play it through the weekend. Enjoy!

p/s This is really making me feel old!

May ICLW & 6 Month Bloggaversary

2010-05-21T11:16:00.004-05:00

Welcome ICLWers! I can't believe it's been a month since the last ICLW.

For those new to ICLW, it's a week every month dedicated to honoring and encouraging commenting on fellow bloggers' blogs. Great time to find new blogs and make new friends.

For those visiting for the first time, welcome!

To make a long story short, my husband, Babe and I have been on the TTC journey for about 6 years. We've gone through IUIs and 2 IVF cycles now, but still no baby. You can read the history of our journey here.

In March I had just gone through my last IVF. I did not get a BFN because my I didn't even make it to embryo transfer. My only 2 embryos that fertilized out of 6, arrested before we could do a transfer. It was a very difficult time for me because I didn't expect that I would not make the transfer. If you are interested in reading more about my experience, you can read about my egg retrieval here, fertilization report here, fertilization update here, and embryos update here.

After that, my RE believes that I have low quality egg issue due to age (I'm 36). She recommended that I do the Karotype test which tests for chromosomal abnormalities. Thankfully that came back normal. So now we are getting ready to start our next round of IVF.

On another note....

It's my 6 month Bloggaversary!!

Yup, it's been that long since I started blogging. I've said this before, when I started blogging, I had no idea if anyone would even read this. Now, I have around 90 followers, and lots of new wonderful and supportive friends. Thank you so much for coming along with me on this crazy journey.

I would love to hear from you if you are visiting for the first time, or if you are a regular (thanks for your support!). Have a great ICLW and hope you find lots of new and interesting blogs.

p/s Oops! Just noticed that I put April instead of May ICLW in the title. It's corrected now. Sorry bout that!

Caught Up!

2010-05-19T23:25:00.002-05:00

I'm FINALLY caught up with my blog reading! Sorry that I haven't been commenting much. I really wanted to get caught up. It's tough trying to catch up on 10 days worth of reading, then progress to only 3 left, and then only to be back at 7 days worth, and on and on....

But I'm finally caught up.

Then I realize that ICLW starts in 2 days, which means more reading and commenting. Plus I will be out of town again for a couple of days next week during ICLW! Ugh, it never ends!

I currently have a few things in mind that I am working on posting. But thanks for hanging in there with me!

Travolta/Preston Expecting

2010-05-19T02:28:00.001-05:00

I'm usually not big follower of celebrity news, but a friend sent me a link to the article on Peo.ple magazine that Kelly Preston, who is married to John Travolta, is pregnant at 47. I'm really happy for them as they'd just suffered the loss of their 16-year old son in January 2009. Plus, I'm a fan of both actors.

But I can't help thinking, at 47, did she do IVF? If so how many rounds did it take her?

Did she use donor eggs? I can't believe that at her age, egg quality is not an issue.

I'm not sure if it really matters, or if it's any of my business. But Hollywood sure makes it sound so easy to get pregnant at an older age. I wonder if they would share more details of the pregnancy.

But then, would I share with the whole world that my baby was conceived via IVF? Probably not. So why should I expect them to?

Either way, I am happy for John Travolta and Kelly Preston. I wish them a safe and happy pregnancy!

Babies, The Movie

2010-05-18T17:17:00.000-05:00

Have you seen the trailer for this movie?

I know some IFers may have a hard time with this movie, it is about babies after all. I for one would love to watch this. Babies born in San Francisco, Mongolia, Tokyo and the Namibian flatlands, filmed during the first year of their lives. I find that fascinating.

It came out on Mother's Day weekend (of course).

Anyone seen the movie yet?

The Story Behind "Before The Morning"

2010-05-16T23:40:00.001-05:00

I hope you had a chance to listen to Before The Morning from my last post. I found this other video about the story behind the song and I just have to share it. It's 10 minutes long, but so worth watching.

Before The Morning - Josh Wilson

2010-05-16T22:46:00.002-05:00

Have you heard "Before The Morning" by Josh Wilson? I've heard this many time on KTIS, our local Christian radio station (which by the way, you can listen to online anytime!) but I've never really paid attention to the words until Katy posted the lyrics on her blog. It's a great song, and I can't seem to get enough of it!

The words from the chorus is exactly what I (we?) need to hear:

   Would you dare would you dare to believe
   That you still have a reason to sing
   Cause the pain that you've been feeling
   It can't compare to the joy that's coming
   So hold on you gotta wait for the light
   Press on and just fight the good fight
   Cause the pain that you've been feeling
   It's just the dark before the morning

And

   It's just the hurt before the healing
   Oh the pain that you've been feeling
   It's just the dark before the morning

There is joy coming! There is healing coming!

Here are the full lyrics:

Do you wonder why you have to
Feel the things that hurt you
If there’s a God who loves you where is He now

Maybe there are things you can’t see
And all those things are happening
To bring a better ending

Someday somehow you’ll see, you’ll see

Chorus:
Would you dare would you dare to believe
That you still have a reason to sing
Cause the pain that you’ve been feeling
It can’t compare to the joy that’s coming
So hold on you gotta wait for the light
Press on and just fight the good fight
Cause the pain that you’ve been feeling
It’s just the dark before the morning

My friend you know how this all ends
You know where you’re going
You just don’t know how you’ll get there
So say a prayer

And hold on cause there’s good for those who love God
But life is not a snapshot
It might take a little time but you’ll see the bigger picture

Chorus

Once you feel the weight of glory
All your pain will fade to memory

Chorus
It’s just the hurt before the healing
Oh the pain that you’ve been feeling
It’s just the dark before the morning

This and That

2010-05-16T14:24:00.004-05:00

I've been a bad blogger, sorry. I'm STILL behind in catching up on reading everyone's blogs. I'm about 3 days behind. Haven't been commenting much, and not feeling like posting much either. So, here's a few going ons in my life right now.

So thankful that our Karotype test results came back normal. It means we can try for another round of IVF, and can skip the whole donor egg discussion. For a while there, I thought maybe it would be a good thing if the result came back abnormal. Then we can just say screw the whole IVF thing, quit trying, and move on to adoption. Of course I'm truly happy that's not the case. The whole IVF thing is hard. It's hard when there are so many unknowns. Not knowing if it is going to work this time, after yet another failure. All the physical, emotional and financial strains it involves. But yes, I'm thankful for the way it turned out.
Earlier this week, my 2 1/2-year-old goddaughter L gave me a little pot of african violets. Just because, and as a thank you for being a special part of her life. I'm sure it was her mom, E's idea, a little something for mother's day. So thank you, E! I will probably plant it outside in a planter or in the garden transfer it into a permanent indoor pot (I was just notified by E that the plant is actually an indoor plant! Let's hope my black thumb does not kill it!).
We refinanced our house from a 30-year to a 15-year mortgage. No refinancing fees and we actually will pay less every month, thanks to the stimulus package. We still have to get the final approval in the mail. The only possible bump is that I am now not working, but we've had a perfect history in the past of paying on time and extra. Plus unlike many mortgages out there, we actually owe less than what the house is worth. The refinancing guy doesn't think it would be an issue.
I ovulated early this month. It came as a bit of a surprise since I normally ovulate on day 16 or 17 on, but I think I actually ovulated on day 15 this month. Luckily I was paying attention to the OPKs or I would have missed it!
We had dinner at a Chinese restaurant a couple of nights ago, and my fortune cookie said "You will have a comfortable old age". Hmm.... comfortable? Hopefully that includes kids that will be taking good care of me!