Tuesday, June 17, 2014

Phone Consult & Short Vacation

First off, I have to apologize for being MIA for a couple of weeks.  If you have been waiting for me to update here, I'm sorry it took me so long.

On 6/4, I had my post transfer phone consult with Dr. Keenan.  He was genuinely sorry and disappointed that our transfer didn't work out.  He said everyone at the clinic were shocked and disappointed that I was not pregnant.  He said there was no good reason why I did not get pregnant.  My lining was good.  The transfer went well.  The embryos were of good quality.  I had an endometrial biopsy done prior to my transfer, and that should have increased my chances.  He doesn't think it is an issue with the embryos since we had embryos from 3 different donor families for all three of my transfers, and each family has had successful pregnancies.

He suspects that I may have implantation issues.  I asked him what that means and he said there is something in the uterus that is not favorable for implantation, but it may be impossible to really know what it is.   He said there are not much research done on implantation issues in humans (since it would threaten a pregnancy).  I asked him about additional testing for issues such as autoimmune issues, as suggested by others.  He said there is no evidence of autoimmune issues causing EARLY pregnancy losses like a chemical pregnancy as in my case.

I asked about the 3 attempt per pregnancy policy at NEDC and if he would make an exception.  He said most women should get pregnant by their third try.  I can't remember his actual words, but it was pretty much no.  He did however bring up the topic of special needs embryos.  He said there is possibly a chance we could try again with special needs embryos, though he was not comfortable with it.  These are embryos that may have a higher risk of medical conditions and is usually overlooked by adoptive families, such as embryos where siblings have been born with a heart condition or downs syndrome, or a parent is HIV positive, etc.  A transfer wish these embryos would be treated the same as other transfers, meaning I would still need a current home study.   He said if that is something Babe and I are interested in, then he will have Angie, the coordinator contact us.  That afternoon itself, Angie emailed me that Dr. Keenan had approved us to do another transfer with special needs embryos and wanted to know if we wanted to see the profiles.  I told her we had not decided and would like her know when/if we were ready to see those profiles.

So, at this point, we don't really know what our next steps are.  We could do another round at NEDC with special needs embryos but I am not sure if I am comfortable with that at this point in time.  We could try another agency or clinic that does embryo adoption or embryo donation, but we would want to make sure if there are any issues that we can rule out that can affect implantation, such as autoimmune issues.  Or we could focus on going back on the route of traditional adoption.  We are currently in a holding pattern as to our next steps.

Instead of making a decision, Babe decided that I needed a break from all this and sent me on a short vacation to Florida.  He would have come with me but he does not have much vacations days.  I went to visit a friend from high school, one I have not seen since I was 15!  It was fun catching up, and it was nice to be able to chat with her about our journey.  She too had gone through infertility, had a couple  of miscarriages and now has a 5-year old son.  We went on a glass bottom boat ride in Key Largo, toured the Everglades on an airboat, checked out alligators, held a baby alligator in my hands, ate some fantastic key lime pies, and checked out the (in)famous South Beach of Miami.  And that is the reason for my delayed update here on my blog.

Checking out fish and corals on the glass bottom boat

View from the back of the boat

Some of the homes and boat in Key Largo

Our neighboring airboat hunting for alligators

The (in)famous South Beach of Miami

Monday, June 2, 2014

Doubly Blessed!

I am doubly blessed!

I got home tonight and found 2 different packages waiting for me at home.  I received a care package from a L., a fairly "new" friend.  She and I started getting to know each other a few months ago after she commented on my blog, and we started emailing each other.  She has also gone through a long journey in infertility, and I shared with her my journey of embryo adoption.  I received a nice card with a sweet note in it, some Ferrero Rocher (yum!), some dark chocolate nibs and some mints.  Some things to sweeten up my day!

The other package I received today is from a very new friend, R.  She is a blog reader and commenter.  I am not sure when she started reading my blog but her words have been a huge encouragement and have been very special to me.  She reached out to me via email the day after I found out about my negative beta last week.   Though we are still just getting to know each other, I feel that we already have a very special connection through our infertility journeys.  She blessed me with a beautiful card, a yummy smelling candle, a bar of French lavender soap, some dark chocolate and a very beautiful self stamper with my initial on it. 

I feel so blessed to received such care packages from friends.  Not just any friends, but new friends.  Friends I have never met in person.  Friends whom I have never even spoken on the phone with yet.   And it is not so much what were in the packages (though they are very special), nor how much the items may cost.  But it is the fact that people, who are still almost strangers, care enough to think about me and how I feel, would take the time out of their busy lives to pick up something special to comfort and encourage me from afar.  Something to put a smile on my face.  And to be honest, it did not just put a smile on my face, but also made me shed a few tears.  Not out of sadness, but out of gratitude.

Again, I am amazed at how God can use people around me, *strangers* even, to touch my life.  It may not seem like a big deal to some, but for me, this small gesture has touched me in a big way.

One of the blessings of infertility is that it has taught me that people can be generous not just with their finances, but also with their heart and love.  A little thought and care can go a long way for the person receiving it.  I am blessed to have learned this lesson first hand.

Sunday, June 1, 2014

Feeling A Little Lost

My period finally arrived last night.  Just as I predicted, 4 days after my beta, after all meds were stopped.  The same thing happened during the last 2 transfers in November and January.  So I was pretty confident it was going to happen again.

I'm not too sure about how to feel about this period.  It is most likely going to be the last period that I would have been most likely to have a chance at getting pregnant.  I was technically pregnant twice before.  But not this cycle.  Not this last chance at pregnancy, even with adopted embryos.

I'm feeling a little lost as to what to do with myself.

I catch myself thinking I crave a cup of coffee, but I shouldn't because..... oh, never mind.

I am contemplating if I should even continue taking my prenatal vitamins.  Maybe switch to regular multivitamins?  Maybe skip it all together?  I have been trying to "do the right thing" for so long there is freedom in not having to take vitamins, but at the same time a little unnerving.

I see some cute pants online and think nah... I shouldn't get those just in case I won't fit in them in a few months.  Then realize, oh never mind.  I won't have a baby belly.

For a while now, I have been reading a lot of articles online about pregnancy, breastfeeding, baby names, parenthood, etc.  I still have a great desire and interests in these articles, but I wonder, why bother.

It is a bit confusing right now.  Not quite sure where I fit in.  I will have a phone consult with Dr. Keenan on Wednesday morning.  But until then, we are not making any decisions.  It's tempting to start researching other agencies or clinics about embryo adoption/donation programs.  I've also contemplated pulling out and filling up the paperwork for traditional adoption.

Being the planner that I am, I want to just jump right in and start planning for our next move, but I know it is still too early.  We need to take some time to just BE.  To grieve.  To be accept and be OK with what has happened.  To have worked through our emotions before making any decisions.

So for now, we wait.  Again.